We are now in week 3 of life with a teenager in crisis. We are in the middle of trying to figure out if there is more going on her than bad teenager choices. You see with adopted kids (who come out of the foster system) there is sadly damage. I first believed as we started taking care of these kiddos that love and prayer can make everything all better!

And Now?

Now I believe love and prayer are the only way we can get through this life, but don’t necessarily make it better. So we are trying to piece together a very spotty adoption file to see what may have happened prenatally. We know a few things post-birth since that is what put her into the foster system. And those things in and of themselves are manifesting their ugly symptoms. And there seems to be more.

Where to Start Looking for Answers

In the last week, we have gone to a great Christian crisis center where my best friend is director. The medical staff is helping us sort through the above questions (they actually pointed us in that direction in the first place) and one of their counselors has taken my daughter under her wing. The question I am trying to get answered is…

Do the Answers Change the Method of Parenting?

We have house rules. We make them tangible rules that are verifiable with consequences that apply. But what if she doesn’t have the mental ability to get these rules? Does this mean our daughter is in danger and we just say “you can’t do that”? Or do we continue on the same path? Questions we want answered so we can parent this child into a responsible and successful young adult.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

When I first heard about the concept of the inner child I have to admit I was pretty skeptical. I mean, having a bunch of little kids living inside of you. Really? I don’t know…

Well, now I do know for sure that this is exactly the case. As strange as it sounds, these little kids can come out at different times and take over control of your body. And if you don’t do something about it, your behavior can be very destructive to yourself and to the people around you, including your kids. If it’s allowed to continue, you can cause long-term damage that you’re kids will have to deal with as they grow up.

In fact, that’s the main reason that adults have these spontaneous age regressions – because their parents had the same inner child issues. And it goes on and on, from generation to generation.

I decided it was going to be different for me.

The start of the journey occurred when I realized that certain situations or comments by my wife would send me into an altered state of consciousness. It was like I wasn’t even myself any more. I’d get angry and lash out and say things that were extremely immature. Or I’d pout or sulk. Basically, act like a kid. Not only that, but I couldn’t function as an adult at all. It was like I forgot how to work. My head was numb. I couldn’t think!

I was led to a book called Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. As I started to read, I couldn’t believe it! This guy had gone through the exact same things that I had.

Bradshaw explained that when I was raging and punishing my family with withdrawal, I was regressing to my childhood, where I had swallowed my anger and expressed it the only way a child could – in punishing withdrawal. Then, after I was done with my emotional or physical withdrawal bout, I felt like the lonesome and shame-based little boy that I had been.

He then goes on to say that when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of anger and hurt, the child grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behavior.

John goes on to say that he believes that this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery, and until we reclaim and champion that child, he will continue to act out an contaminate our adult lives.

I totally agree. Since going through the process of reclaiming my own inner child, I have recognized this in many, many people. I also believe that we not only contaminate our own lives, but pretty much anyone else we come in contact with.

What does it mean to reclaim and champion that inner child?

The process involves recording some scripts that are outlined in the book and then listening to them with your eyes closed, like you’re meditating. What you do is go back in your mind to when you were an infant, and get that child and take him with you. You then promise to love and care for that child (as the adult you) and give them the things they didn’t get when they were that age.

You then repeat the process for all the different age levels: toddler, preschool, school age, and adolescent. Eventually, you have reclaimed all of your inner children, and you champion them by caring for them, loving them, and making them feel safe.

Are you crazy?

I know that’s how it may sound, but I believe it’s totally true. I have come a long way since I started this journey, and I still have a ways to go. Things still happen that trigger me to go into my child, but I’m starting to be able to recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way, as opposed to the toxic way I used to.

Good news and bad news

The bad news is, those triggers will come up for the rest of my life. I will never be totally healed. The good news is that it will get better and better, and I’ve got a plan on how to deal with these issues. Plus, the difference is amazing! If you’re interested at all in healing the inner child, or feel that this might apply to you, I encourage you to get a copy of Homecoming.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

Sitting facing the teacher for the umpteenth time, I was growing weary of her long litany. “Jack doesn’t sit in his seat. Jack doesn’t stay on task. Jack disrupts the other kids with his constant noise making. Jack doesn’t turn in completed work.”

This was hard to hear about my sweet 10 year old who loves to take things apart, wants to know what you are doing and why, and has a great imagination and is not afraid to use it. Why did I get the feeling that my square peg was expected to fit into a round hole? No exceptions.

My Exception

But he was an exception. We knew from the day we adopted him that there were going to be learning challenges. He was exposed to drugs and alcohol all his prenatal life. Though we got him right after he was born, much of the damage was already done.

We watched him grow and go to kindergarten. He was doing okay and we monitored sugar intake, red dyes and white flour. Reading was not coming along. But he was only in kindergarten. And a boy, which means development takes longer, right?

So we limped along until 2nd grade, when the reading and spelling issue was starting to glare. Along with some behavioral issues, like impulsiveness, low self control, and not quite fitting in. So we took the leap and had him tested for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD (girls have Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD).

The Test Results Were In

Both us and his teacher had to complete a checklist on behavior and academics. Hard to fit a kid into a checklist. But the results were borderline ADHD.

Options

The options were presented: 1st medication; 2nd stricter food regulation; 3rd creative behavior management. We opted for 2 and 3.

First, we had to learn what made him less focused. Noises in the classroom were a biggie. And in this day and age, classrooms are not the sit quietly type that I had. So how can we best manage that? We opted for an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) so we could utilize out of room resources to help with tutoring, more individual attention, and less distractions due to the small classroom size in our Resource Room. Not perfect, but improvement was noted.

Next, we employed a new technique that we had heard through a naturopath by using caffeinated beverages in place of medication. This was less successful and the option was mostly diet soda. Not our first choice for a drink.

3rd grade saw some improvement in reading, but 4th grade, he crashed and burned. Thus our conversation with the teacher.

What Had Happened?

How did things go bad so quickly? The school’s Resource Room teacher enlightened me. Learning is global up until the end of 2nd grade, she explained. The teacher directs the kids through most of the exercise. Cues are easily picked up from what the other kids are doing. And teachers are more tolerant with this.

As they move through the elementary grades, they are taught to be more independent and only instructions are given from the teacher. Cues are less evident and teachers’ expectations for working independently are higher. He’d lost his crutch.

Now What?

I was baffled. Until the teacher said the one thing that forever changed my dogmatic stance against medication. “The constant hearing of his name in a negative fashion has got to be affecting his self esteem.” We had started to hear him say things like I am loser, I can’t do anything right, I am a horrible reader. I knew that we were at a turning point for him. We couldn’t not try everything to give this little guy success in his life.

Medication etal

So we dove in to the medical field. Because Jack had an IEP in place at school and behavior was part of it, we did not need to do any further assessments. We started him on the lowest dose of Concerta and upped it every 2 days until we saw his world come into focus for him. Though the doctor originally said to continue increasing the dosage until he started of having headaches and stomach aches, then go back a dose, we felt we had found his level without the side effects.

Don’t get me wrong, insomnia and loss of appetite are an occasional occurrence. And this isn’t a perfect fix. But the relief for him being able to complete something from start to finish is noticeable. Or read and comprehend more is exciting.

What else can we do?

But we didn’t stop there. His tapping his pencil and making noises are his mechanism for getting himself focused. We educated his teachers, including the Resource Room teacher, that he wasn’t doing this to be annoying. It was a coping mechanism. This can even be a cue that maybe a quieter environment for a test or project would best suit him.

We are also in the process of pursuing training for the school in how not to point out these kids (i.e. classroom meetings) and their weaknesses but to find a work around that will help them to be successful. Click here to read an article with some practical tips from Dr. Robert Myers, a clinical psychologist with 25 years of experience working with children and adolescents with ADHD and learning disabilities.

It’s not easy being a parent…

But nothing is! And what can be more rewarding then helping your child to succeed, through whatever means are necessary.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

Do you really know what your teens are doing online? If you have a computer and teens in your house, then you need to have internet filtering software installed. There are some that are described as Parental Controls for Christians and they market themselves as being developed to appeal to the Christian community. It’s just plain scary what is going on, possibly right under our noses.

MySpace, Facebook and YouTube are 3 examples of thousands of social networking sites available on the internet today. While these sites are cool and allow kids to talk and easily share things with each other, they can also be extremely dangerous. One of the goals on MySpace and Facebook is to have as many friends as possible, and because of this predators abound on these sites. It’s easy for someone to pass themselves off as someone they’re not, and to gain the confidence of your child. From there it’s simple to find out where they live and possibly “show up” at your house.

These social sites are just the latest example of exploitable areas on the web. There also still remains the threat of pornography, weapons sites, and any number of other threats.

So what can you do?

First, get a good parental control program. A free one that is recommended by James Dobson is K9 Web Protection. I haven’t used this one, but it must be good if Dr. Dobson recommends it. The product I use is called Safe Eyes, which I believe is the most advanced internet filtering software available. It was recommended to me by the youth pastor at my church.

Safe Eyes gives you a great amount of flexibility, and works very well. You can set up individual accounts for different kids, and block groups of sites based on category. You also have the ability to block individual sites. You can also block chat type of sites if you want.

In addition to this site-blocking capability, you can also limit the child to how much time per day that he can spend on the internet, and you can choose the hours that it’s available. We shut our kids off after 9 PM. One saying that we have is that nothing good happens after midnight. On a side note, that’s our curfew time for our teens, and probably will be forever. For more information about Safe Eyes click here.

Here are a few more tips I gained from an article by Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor of Empowering Parents website. You can view the entire article here.

Most importantly, begin conversation about internet safety as soon as you allow your kids on the internet. They need to know the dangers right away.

Keep the computer in a central space in your house. It’s important that none of this stuff – computers, cell phones, iphones – should be in their bedroom. Children don’t have self control, and they don’t understand the dire consequences – you have to take care of them!

Have your teen help you set up your Facebook account. They’ll probably roll their eyes, but it’s a good teaching opportunity for you to look into security settings with them, making sure the profile is private. Explain to them how if their profile is public, anyone can see it, including prospective employers. Many people haven’t gotten jobs because this is common practice today, checking the internet for information on possible employees.

Tell them to never post their address, phone numbers, or social security numbers. Also, explain the danger of sharing their passwords with anyone. There have been cases where a relationship has gone sour and people have gotten revenge through a Myspace or Facebook profile, by posing as the person with whom they have the grudge.

These are just a few points. Many more are discussed in the article, called Parents, Get a Clue: What Teens are Really Doing Online.

Do you care about your kid’s safety and innocence? Then don’t wait, take the steps to protect them today. Get some internet filtering software, and talk, talk, talk. It may be the most important thing you’ve ever done!

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

Interesting things were happening with my 2-year old daughter

She didn’t like certain things touching her skin, or clothing tight on her skin. Wearing underwear would unnerve her. Food textures were bugging her. (She wouldn’t eat fruits and vegetables – still won’t). She didn’t like to be snuggled for long. She always was a strong-willed child so I let these things continue, figuring that they were just part of her strong independence.

By age 7, I knew this was deeper than I thought. I was telling my friend about her symptoms and she said she had been given a book by her caseworker for her adopted kiddo that sounds like what I was talking about. It was called The Out-of-Sync Child. I went through it and sure enough it felt like someone had followed my daughter around then wrote a book on their observations.

I went to my doctor and explained what I saw. I have the best pediatrician who trusted and validated my “mom” instincts. He referred me to an occupational therapist for testing.

The whole testing process was amazing

I couldn’t imagine how the way they were testing was going to reveal the diagnosis of SID. Not until they had her do a test were she had to move pegs on a board into a pattern shown on a paper. This involved crossing her right hand back and forth on the board, and across her body. She couldn’t do it. She would actually stop at her body’s midline and use her left hand to finish the movement. This, coupled with the results of the other tests, was confirmation that the right and left sides of her brain were not communicating well. Thus she was diagnosed with SID, or Sensory Integration Disorder. It’s also referred to as Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD.

Walk backwards with something heavy!

The therapy was intriguing. Swinging, not spinning, brushing her skin. Doing brain exercises that including flexing her fingers together and then drinking a glass of water. These were especially effective right before doing her homework, on getting her brain engaged correctly. Carrying heavy things and walking backwards also helped her pull it together. A doctor who had the disorder himself came up with the therapy. Wow!

The downside was that there is more success with the therapy the earlier in life you catch it. After age 8, the success rate drops dramatically.

Success!

We have watched her grow into a 14-year old who can now more and more manage by using her coping skills (she would hate to know I wrote this, but she does now wear underwear!). I have also seen these symptoms manifest themselves in my youngest child and responded much more quickly in getting help. He’s a little different, he doesn’t like meat either, in addition to vegetables and fruit. It’s all about the textures, not them being picky eaters.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.