I am hoping this article will prove cathartic as I have just had 2 bad days with my 14-year old sweet girl. She is making awful life changing choices and remorse is not even listed in her dictionary. We have been batting these problems down for the last 3 months but no longer will that suffice. And I am swinging in the dark.

Where’s the Light Switch?

I had already laid some of the groundwork by working through Total Transformation by James Lehman. However, I felt I needed more specific information regarding information on how to deal with where her train derailed. A month ago, I was given Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. I started consuming this night before last. I am getting lessons on choices and consequences that I realize I have not been very good at as a parent. And I have decided to stop fighting the control battle with her.

Teens will Almost Always Win the Control Battle

The battle started having a name! Control and independence. I got some great info on control. And I will get back to you on how it went addressing her independence needs in a way that helps her to grow towards that where she is taking care of herself and I am not so scared.

Control Rules

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic hits this nail squarely on the head. “Never take more control than you need. Or do I need any? Will advice and options teach a valuable lesson instead?”

The ground rules are basic:

1. Avoid control battles at all cost.
2. If you are forced to have a control battle – on those rare occasions when it CAN’T be avoided – then win at all costs.
3. Pick the issue carefully and deliberately without threatening to do so. Just do it.

This will make teens think about their decisions. Our goal for raising a responsible young adult.

My heart is ragged. My hope a bit dirty. But my love for her causes me to continue reaching for her and moving forward.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

It seems funny with what is going on right now with my teen that I would be thinking about children’s books. But I remember the first parenting class I took when my kids were 2 and 3, and how the instructor read a children’s book at the end of each class. Some had significance to the lesson and some were just good reading and actually helped me start a great kids library.

One of my two favorites was Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It was funny and helped my kids see that everyone has bad days.

The second one is Where The Wild Things Are. This is such a great story about no matter how wild and out of control things get for a kiddo, when they are ready, they can always come home. Hmmm, maybe it is not so weird why I am thinking about children’s books.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

This article may not seem like it has anything to do with parenting, but if you’ll bear with me I think it will make sense. It’s written by my husband.

My name is Matt Hellstrom. As a Christian, I believe that God loves me and wants the best for me. I’ve also experienced much pain and disappointment in my life. I’ve had many prayers go unanswered, at least that’s what I assumed when they weren’t answered like I thought they should be. This led to an interesting dilemma: if God loves me and wants the best for me, why did he allow things to happen that were clearly sinful and harmful to me? In other words, why do bad things happen to good people? Another way to put it is why does God allow suffering and pain? These are probably the biggest questions of believers (and non-believers) alike. That would be my guess anyway.

About a year ago we were looking for a book or something to study with a couple of friends and we stumbled upon Shattered Dreams – God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy by Larry Crabb. I’d read books by Larry Crabb before and knew he was a very good author, though most of the books I’d read by him were very deep and hard to digest. We decided to give it a try, and it’s had a huge impact.

God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy

The sub-title alone was slightly ominous: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy. What did he mean by “Shattered Dreams” and just what was this pathway? We were soon to find out.

Dr. Crabb uses the Book of Ruth as a basis for his book. He focuses on Naomi, the mother -in-law of Ruth who experiences the pain of losing a husband, then both sons. She goes on to deal with that pain in a way that is not normal, at least to most Christians – she gets mad! As Christians, we’re taught two things: First, that mourning has a time limit. At some point, we insist on victory. Second, there is a proper way to mourn.

Ugly battles should remain out of sight. Acceptable battles may be shared, but only if we season our account with hope. It’s ok to say “My wife and I sometimes quarrel, but we know the Spirit is working to bring us closer together. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear “My wife and I hate each other’s guts right now. We want a good marriage, but we have no idea what to do and we’re scared out of our wits we’ll never figure it out”. That type of talk isn’t accepted in the church.

Well guess what? It’s ok to mourn, to feel pain, and to face it. There aren’t any time limits for mourning, and it ok to be angry about it. It’s ok! Why? Because that’s where you meet God, and experience his love – in the midst of the pain. God’s desire is to have a relationship with him, and he’s willing to use, or at least allow, anything, including pain, to build that relationship.

This is Larry Crabb’s premise with Shattered Dreams, and I tell you, reading it is a wonderful and worthwhile journey. But I also warn you, it will turn your world upside down, and make you look at things in a totally different way.

So how does this relate to parenting?

Going through Shattered Dreams allowed me to realize its ok to face my pain. It also got me started on the path of discovery concerning past hurts and sins committed by me and to me. And led me to the realization that I had some deeper problems that I could now address. I learned about the concept of having an “inner child”, and I determined that my inner child was damaged and needed to be reclaimed and healed. And this in turn led me to the conclusion that some of my learned coping behaviors because of this damage were in turn harming my own children. When I came to the conclusion that the pain of staying put was worse than the pain of changing, I subsequently embarked on another long and wonderful journey which I’ll call Reclaiming Little Matt.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Interesting things were happening with my 2-year old daughter

She didn’t like certain things touching her skin, or clothing tight on her skin. Wearing underwear would unnerve her. Food textures were bugging her. (She wouldn’t eat fruits and vegetables – still won’t). She didn’t like to be snuggled for long. She always was a strong-willed child so I let these things continue, figuring that they were just part of her strong independence.

By age 7, I knew this was deeper than I thought. I was telling my friend about her symptoms and she said she had been given a book by her caseworker for her adopted kiddo that sounds like what I was talking about. It was called The Out-of-Sync Child. I went through it and sure enough it felt like someone had followed my daughter around then wrote a book on their observations.

I went to my doctor and explained what I saw. I have the best pediatrician who trusted and validated my “mom” instincts. He referred me to an occupational therapist for testing.

The whole testing process was amazing

I couldn’t imagine how the way they were testing was going to reveal the diagnosis of SID. Not until they had her do a test were she had to move pegs on a board into a pattern shown on a paper. This involved crossing her right hand back and forth on the board, and across her body. She couldn’t do it. She would actually stop at her body’s midline and use her left hand to finish the movement. This, coupled with the results of the other tests, was confirmation that the right and left sides of her brain were not communicating well. Thus she was diagnosed with SID, or Sensory Integration Disorder. It’s also referred to as Sensory Processing Disorder, or SPD.

Walk backwards with something heavy!

The therapy was intriguing. Swinging, not spinning, brushing her skin. Doing brain exercises that including flexing her fingers together and then drinking a glass of water. These were especially effective right before doing her homework, on getting her brain engaged correctly. Carrying heavy things and walking backwards also helped her pull it together. A doctor who had the disorder himself came up with the therapy. Wow!

The downside was that there is more success with the therapy the earlier in life you catch it. After age 8, the success rate drops dramatically.

Success!

We have watched her grow into a 14-year old who can now more and more manage by using her coping skills (she would hate to know I wrote this, but she does now wear underwear!). I have also seen these symptoms manifest themselves in my youngest child and responded much more quickly in getting help. He’s a little different, he doesn’t like meat either, in addition to vegetables and fruit. It’s all about the textures, not them being picky eaters.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Do you really know what your teens are doing online? If you have a computer and teens in your house, then you need to have internet filtering software installed. There are some that are described as Parental Controls for Christians and they market themselves as being developed to appeal to the Christian community. It’s just plain scary what is going on, possibly right under our noses.

MySpace, Facebook and YouTube are 3 examples of thousands of social networking sites available on the internet today. While these sites are cool and allow kids to talk and easily share things with each other, they can also be extremely dangerous. One of the goals on MySpace and Facebook is to have as many friends as possible, and because of this predators abound on these sites. It’s easy for someone to pass themselves off as someone they’re not, and to gain the confidence of your child. From there it’s simple to find out where they live and possibly “show up” at your house.

These social sites are just the latest example of exploitable areas on the web. There also still remains the threat of pornography, weapons sites, and any number of other threats.

So what can you do?

First, get a good parental control program. A free one that is recommended by James Dobson is K9 Web Protection. I haven’t used this one, but it must be good if Dr. Dobson recommends it. The product I use is called Safe Eyes, which I believe is the most advanced internet filtering software available. It was recommended to me by the youth pastor at my church.

Safe Eyes gives you a great amount of flexibility, and works very well. You can set up individual accounts for different kids, and block groups of sites based on category. You also have the ability to block individual sites. You can also block chat type of sites if you want.

In addition to this site-blocking capability, you can also limit the child to how much time per day that he can spend on the internet, and you can choose the hours that it’s available. We shut our kids off after 9 PM. One saying that we have is that nothing good happens after midnight. On a side note, that’s our curfew time for our teens, and probably will be forever. For more information about Safe Eyes click here.

Here are a few more tips I gained from an article by Elisabeth Wilkins, Editor of Empowering Parents website. You can view the entire article here.

Most importantly, begin conversation about internet safety as soon as you allow your kids on the internet. They need to know the dangers right away.

Keep the computer in a central space in your house. It’s important that none of this stuff – computers, cell phones, iphones – should be in their bedroom. Children don’t have self control, and they don’t understand the dire consequences – you have to take care of them!

Have your teen help you set up your Facebook account. They’ll probably roll their eyes, but it’s a good teaching opportunity for you to look into security settings with them, making sure the profile is private. Explain to them how if their profile is public, anyone can see it, including prospective employers. Many people haven’t gotten jobs because this is common practice today, checking the internet for information on possible employees.

Tell them to never post their address, phone numbers, or social security numbers. Also, explain the danger of sharing their passwords with anyone. There have been cases where a relationship has gone sour and people have gotten revenge through a Myspace or Facebook profile, by posing as the person with whom they have the grudge.

These are just a few points. Many more are discussed in the article, called Parents, Get a Clue: What Teens are Really Doing Online.

Do you care about your kid’s safety and innocence? Then don’t wait, take the steps to protect them today. Get some internet filtering software, and talk, talk, talk. It may be the most important thing you’ve ever done!

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.