Do you sometimes feel like you should win the Worst Parent of the Year Award? Do you think that you’re just the worst parents ever, the worst parents in the world, even the worst parents in the history of the world? Well, hopefully it’s not that bad, but all of us feel at times that we’re just not cutting it as parents, especially when we compare our kids to other people’s kids.

Don’t compare your inside to other peoples outside

Here’s a simple trick I learned to help me not feel like I’m the worst parent of the year – to not compare what I know about myself or my family to what I see about other people or their families. Let me give you an example.

I’m a mobile loan-closer, and I get to go to many different houses and meet many different people. One time, I went to this nice, clean, warm-feeling house. It wasn’t especially fancy, but it had a good feeling about it, as I did about the people living there. During the process of the signing, I learned that they were preparing for a wedding shower that afternoon, and there was much joy in the air!

I found myself thinking “These guys have it all together. A kid getting married, a nice clean house with stain-free furniture, good steady jobs – everything anyone could want”. I started to feel sorry for myself, maybe a little guilty, possible even angry.

Well, I started to have a conversation with these lovely folks about life in general, and found out that their life was nothing like it seemed on the outside. They had many problems with their kids, and financial struggles to boot. I walked away thinking “I don’t have it so bad”.

What a beautiful house!

Another time I did a closing for a couple on top of a hill, with a nice view. As I was leaving, I noticed another house that was situated in such a way that out of one window the view was of a beautiful lake and from the other side of the house you looked out over the city, with all its lights. I immediately became jealous of the owner of this house, thinking how fortunate other people are – major pity party! Well, wouldn’t you know it, I got an order a month or two later to do a closing at that very house. I thought “Cool! I can hardly wait to see the views from inside, and see what kind of neat furnishings and architecture is in there.”

The day came for me to go there, and I walked up to the door in trepidation. The owner opened the door, and I was shocked to see he was in a wheelchair! Come to find out, this fine gentleman had Multiple Sclerosis, and didn’t have much longer to live. Talk about God giving me a lesson in appreciating what I had!

These things happen all the time

I recently received a message in Facebook from the wife of one of the elders at our church, who said how much she enjoys sitting behind our family in church. This was comical to me, as I’m constantly at a stress level of 10 – you know, head about to explode – thinking about how horribly my kids behave. They talk during prayer, they won’t stand up during worship, they periodically punch each other for no reason whatsoever, as far as I can tell. I just think they’re the most out-of-control, wild, strong-willed kids I’ve ever seen. You see, I’m comparing their inside to other kids’ outside. There are some kids that I’ve noticed standing very reverently in church, only to see them later on in Sunday School bullying or making fun of an underdog. It’s then that I realize – my kids might be wild, but they’re kind. I’ll take that any day of the week!

I encourage you, when you think you’re the worst parent of the year, try not to compare your inside to everyone else’s outside. It’s a no-win situation.

 As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

We’ve been married for 20 years now, and we’re the first to admit it hasn’t always been easy. We started out our life together heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, and both of us had unsuccessful marriages (and the ensuing divorces) under our belts. We weren’t especially well equipped because of our pasts to be good spouses. We eloped to Reno and got married without telling anyone in our family until a month after, which didn’t go over well at all! We were starting a marriage with 2 strikes against us, and it showed because we almost split up before we were married for a year.

Fortunately, those days are far behind us, and we’ve both been clean and sober for nearly 20 years, and have managed to become a happily married couple – most of the time, that is. We still have our problems, but we work through them with the help of tools and techniques we’ve been taught by various counselors throughout the years. And we continue to go to counseling on an as-needed basis, whenever we feel we need a little “tune-up”. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you need help figuring things out.

Counseling is not for everybody

While I totally recommend counseling for anyone that’s having marital problems, I also understand that’s just not the route that some people want to go, for a variety of reasons, such as:

• They don’t want to expose their lives and/or problems to a stranger.
• They can’t afford it.
• They don’t have the time.

The Us Factor

Because of this fact, I was excited to learn that the creators of The Total Transformation had developed a marriage program called The Us Factor. I thought, “this might be the answer for couples that were struggling” so I got a copy of it and we started to go through it together.

What we found was some very good training by a counselor named Dr. Joseph Melnick, a licensed psychologist. I heard many of the things I’d learned from my counselors, and a few new ideas to boot! And I’m only through the first 3 DVD’s. If you’d like, you can read my Us Factor Review at our marriage website, How To Fix Your Marriage.

If you’re in the category of needing a little (or a lot) of help with your marriage, and you just don’t want to go to counseling, maybe The Us Factor is for you. Like Total Transformation, it doesn’t cost anything to try it out for a month, so it might be worth your while!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Most of my articles come from real-life experiences, and this one is no different. I had just gone 15 rounds with 3 of my kids trying to get them to school on time, and I was worn out. It seemed to me that this had been a pretty regular thing lately, and I started thinking to myself “What am I doing wrong?” My mind went down that path a little way, but not too far, since that way was looking like this might be my fault. So, I took a little detour off that path and thought “Maybe I’m expecting too much of them for the age they are”.

There we go! That was a much easier route for my mind to take, since it didn’t involve anyone being at fault, me or them! Cool! I figured I’d just get out my trusty Total Transformation workbook, find the section on age appropriate expectations, and I’d get my answer. (By the way, I refer to that workbook and the Total Transformation CD’s often – they’re starting to get worn out!)

I did find a section on age appropriate behavior, including age appropriate consequences and age appropriate rewards. (I discuss this a little further down in this article), but what really caught my eye was a section on styles of parenting, and I realized that this applied perfectly here. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation program, talked about seven different parenting roles that parents play. These roles are generally well-meaning but ineffective because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change.

The Seven Permissive Parenting Roles

These roles are Bottomless Pockets, Over-Negotiator, The Screamer, The Ticket Puncher, The Savior, The Martyr, and The Perfectionist. With titles like that, I had to read further. What I was soon to discover was that I played several of the roles, and I played them well! The one that applied in this instance was The Martyr.

The Martyr takes on the child’s responsibilities, constantly lowers expectations, and fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress. I could see myself perfectly in this role, and I didn’t really like it. The thing I like about James Lehman is that he says it like it is, most of the time it’s just good common sense, but when you’re in the middle of the battle with your child, common sense doesn’t often come in to play. Too many emotions flying around the room, it really helps to hear and see what Mr. Lehman has to say.

If you want to read more about the different parenting styles, click here.

Now, to get back to age appropriate behaviors, consequences and rewards. Here’s how Mr. Lehman sees the different age groups.

Ages 5-9 – At this age, children are interested in time with parents and other adults. They are beginning to establish some independent relationships with peers, but often need some adult support with this. Age appropriate consequences include going to bed early, losing TV or computer time, and going to their room. Rewards could be staying up late, earning stickers, and having someone do a chore for you.

Ages 10-14 – Children at this age are just beginning to struggle with a sense of themselves. In addition, they are practicing independence, while still requiring a great deal of parental supervision and support. Connections to peers are becoming primarily important in their lives. Judgment can be poor when an older teen is offered choices and activities. Consequences might be losing TV time, being grounded from activities, or losing phone time. Rewards include use of cell phone, gaining computer time, and getting to choose the food for dinner.

Ages 15-17 – At this age, adolescents must be working on independence. Priorities center around peers and young adult activities. They are trying new things and building new skills. Most of the motivators at this age, both positive and negative, center around the car – being able to drive it, or being banned from it. Others include loss or gaining of phone time, and computer or TV time.

That all sounds great, but my kid’s not there! How can I get him there?

Don’t lose hope yet, there is help out there. And yes you can do it!

Click here to get some great workable ideas. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

I wrote in an earlier post that I’d been having major trouble around our house concerning 3 of our kids and the inability (or unwillingness is more like it) to be ready to leave for school on time. I started thinking about the problem, and wondered if this was my fault (Heaven forbid!) or theirs. Well, the conclusion I came to was “a little of both”. Let me explain.

I started looking through my Total Transformation workbook for some answers, and I happened upon a section called “Ineffective Parenting Roles”. Uh oh, this doesn’t sound good. Better take a look, though.

James Lehman describes seven different parenting roles, that he terms “well-meaning but ineffective”, because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change. In looking through these roles, I could see myself playing 6 of the 7 at one time or another. Ouch! For being able to play that many roles, I ought to get an academy award!

The role I play in this instance is the Martyr. Here’s a short description.

The Martyr:

• Takes on the child’s responsibilities, for example, wakes their child up repeatedly.
• Constantly lowers expectations, giving unconditional acceptance.
• Fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress.

And here’s what the child learns:

• Learned helplessness is effective. The less ability the child demonstrates, the less is asked of him.
• Unconditional approval can be demanded – you don’t have to earn approval, you simply demand it and threaten to misbehave if you don’t get it.
• His parent has no confidence in him. The child learns that he is not competent to achieve tasks, earn approval, or manage his own behavior.

Lovely, huh? And I thought I was doing them a favor!

The other six permissive parenting styles

See if you can relate to any of these. I’m just going to give you a brief explanation of each – James Lehman describes them in much greater detail in the Total Transformation (and tells you what to do to fix them!)

1. Bottomless Pockets – Buys the child things to stop the child’s constant demands or to “prevent” behavior problems. Child learns a false sense of entitlement.
2. Over-Negotiator – Negotiates already established rules, commitments, and standards. Child learns that boundaries aren’t solid.
3. Screamer – Gets drawn into screaming matches and name-calling. Child learns that no one is in control.
4. Ticket Puncher – Over indulges the child emotionally. The parent takes any and all opportunities to shower their child with “love and attention”. The child learns there is no objective right or wrong.
5. The Savior – Sides with the child in spite of the facts. Child learns that he can be insulated from authority.
6. The Perfectionist – Sets impossibly high standards. Child learns to expect failure.

There you go – do you see yourself in any of those? I hope you don’t, but I know I’ve been guilty of most of them at one time or another. If you do feel like you need some help, or just want to learn more about these ineffective permissive parenting styles, get your hands on a copy of the The Total Transformation and check it out for yourself.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.