September 24, 2008
Adoption: How it Looks 14 Years Later
Oh how sweet those little faces looked as babies. They lit up when we entered the room, they smiled when we made funny faces, and they laughed, a deep belly laugh, when we played. Our hearts were full, theirs were not.
Adoption has many great benefits. Children are placed in homes where they are safe and cared for and deeply loved. And couples that can’t have kids or who want another to complete their family can. And emotionally too there are many holes in their hearts that are filled by adoption. All but one.
Where is the hole?
A child is made to be loved by his biological dad and mom. Any change in that can cause holes in his heart. I used to think that our love as adopted parents could fill that hole. And what I have found is that it can but not completely. There seems to be a continuous search for my adopted kiddos to know they are loved. It manifests itself in different ways for each kid, but there is no denying that the rejection they experienced physically, now affects them emotionally.
They wonder why was I not good enough to be kept and am I unlovable. Then there are the questions of where do I fit, who do I look like, do they miss me like I miss them sometimes. No matter how much we try, we cannot answer those questions. No amount of logic fills the void. It is set sadly.
Don’t misread me here. This doesn’t seem to consume them. The majority of their heart is whole. There are just moments when this mom’s heart aches for their heart as I get a glimpse of their hole.
As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free. Just order and complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.
You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission. The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.
Filed under Parenting Tips, Teenagers, Wise Counsel
Comments on Adoption: How it Looks 14 Years Later »
You’ve identified something that we deal with regularly in the seminars we do with Family Foundations International. But it’s not necessarily something that only adopted children experience – although it’s probably easier to identify. We’ve found after ministering to thousands of people in our seminars that most people have holes in their hearts somewhere. Often it comes from rejection of a natural parent with whom they have regular contact. I understand your heartache for your adopted children – but we also know from experience that those holes can be completely filled. See http://www.familyfoundations.com for information on seminars near you.
I think every possible attempt should be made to keep children with there biological parents. I know there are circumstances that prevent this. I hope I will be able to play a part in helping parents choose to keep there children and building healthy strong relationships with them.
I adopted 2 children and I know what you mean when you say your heart aches for them. It’s been 10 years for us. We adopted older children who are now about grown. The teen years which are the years of establishing an identity are especially difficult with the added layers of insecurity they have. I, too, thought the love of an adopted family could fill the hole, but it does not. Only God can fill that hole.
@Green Mahma,
That is how I feel too. That only God can fill the hole. It is good reminder about the teen years being the years of establishing identity. I read in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic that during the teen years, kids dismantle the identity you have set up with them and rebuild it for themselves. My hope is that they use some of the same blocks.