While this seems like an easy out, there are a few options prior to making this choice that beg to be considered. Starting with, what is going on with your kid basically? Has the dynamics of his life changed, foundation shifted, like a divorce, change of schools, remarriage? What is the time span of this behavior? If it has been short-lived, keep the lines of communication open and listen when he talks. If it is longer, and talking is resulting in shouting and slamming, or, worse hitting, the next step is possibly implementing a parenting program.

Sometimes this is called a child behavior program, but I like parenting program because it feels more proactive. I am working with my child to become a successful, fulfilled adult and I must have the skills needed in order to do this. There are several different programs on the market. One I use is Parenting with Love and Logic which provides  good information and is geared more toward raising up children who are learning to become independent and may get off track occasionally. I personally favor Total Transformation program as I have had the most success with it. And it also addresses issues with kids who are most difficult to deal with in easy to follow step by step information. When the stress level is high, it is nice to just have a handbook to refer to.

At this time, adding in a therapist or child counselor would be highly beneficial. Doing this in conjunction with a parenting program is ideal as you have the added support on an ongoing basis. Sometimes, it may help to place the kiddo in a therapeutic environment until you get your new parenting skills up and running. You will have opportunities in the therapy center to practice as most will offer family counseling.

Last resort, in my opinion, is military school. Some kids will thrive on this structure, but as it addresses the behavior and not the thinking behind the behavior, it may only be a bandaid. If you decide to go this route, have a plan in place when your child gets home. Make structure and accountability priorities in your house, so your child doesn’t slide back into his or her old habits.  Also, I was surprised to learn that many schools won’t accept openly defiant, out-of-control teens. And if they get booted out, you lose your tuition money.

So there are the options. It is up to you to decide – is military school the answer for you and your child?

For many more tips on parenting decisions including the military school option, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

First rule of thumb for an effective child behavior program is to determine what child behaviors you are looking to change. Is it acting  out or is it establishing new behaviors? Let me give you an example of each. Acting out – screaming and yelling in the grocery store; new behavior – a consistent, self–started study time each night.

Once you have determined the child behavior you are working with, you are then able to make a decision on whether to reward or not. For me it is simple, acting out – No! That is just rewarding bad behavior. Setting up new behavior, including acting appropriately in the store, rewards can be a definite plus.

So let’s go over how I implement a reward system:

1. Determine the reward. You can figure out what reward works best for you and your child by just looking at what they like to do or maybe favorite treats. If you are not sure, ask them. Now know that rewards can be as simple as a pat on the back or elaborate as a new video game. I just feel it should be in line with what the new behavior is.
2. Determine the length of time. I have been told that a habit takes 30 days to establish. And I use this as one of my measurements for length of time. If it is a long term behavior, like study skills or cleaning their room or behaving in public, I set up a reward for each time the activity occurs up to 1 month and then have a final reward at the end, usually an outing together or something less monetary and more relational.  I remember using this when potty training. If it is a temporary behavior, like a school project or short term chore, I do something more like after they have completed the daily requirement for that activity give them 15 minutes on their video game. I don’t reward at the end as I believe the feeling of accomplishment and resulting self esteem of seeing a job completed is the reward. Of course, they get an “atta boy”!
3. Open communication. I do not make this process a mystery to my child. I explain how it will work and my expectations when the rewards are finished. This would be something along the lines of “at the end of 30 days of studying every night at 7, you will have added good study habits and perseverance to your tools of becoming a successful adult. This tool will have lifelong rewards.” As for the above acting out example, if you tell them you are going to work on being appropriate in public (always good for the long term!) and set up the rewards before instead of in the middle of the screaming fit, you are letting them know that you reward good behavior and not bad.

Changing or establishing good child behavior is an ongoing and evolving process. This is just one way to help with that. Please note, I do not believe rewarding is bribing as rewarding is a short term process.

Do you have questions on your child behavior program?

For many more tips and techniques to deal with child behavior problem’s, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

When Love Is Not Enough - Purchase From Amazon.com

I want to view each day as an adventure with my RAD kiddo. I don’t want to wake up depressed anymore dreading the day ahead. I want the challenge of helping this child become successful in coping with life in a healthy manner be what motivates me. So why can’t I? Oh, there is another person in this equation.

And right now this one does not want to participate. She so boldly stated to her daddy and I that it is her life and she will do what she wants. Never mind the consequences, she will take them! While this is okay for a 10-year old (usually!), when you are a middle teen (with an emotional age of 10) the stakes get immeasurably higher for this attitude.

Living her life her way, right now looks like lying about everything. She does it so frequently that I believe that it is more natural than telling the truth. Why do I say this? Because she even now is lying to her friends about things that no one even cares about. “I will only have a small piece of meat because I really don’t eat meat”. Yes she does and who cares?! Certainly not the friend who was not only unimpressed but that statement didn’t even register on their “care to know meter”.

Of course, what goes with the lying but sneaking. Wanting control of her life, there is nothing she won’t sneak to do. And most of the time, if she asked (or I’d be happy with even telling us at first), we’d be okay with it. However, telling us makes us in charge of her life.

So the trust in our relationship with her is gone. So much so that I can’t believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Even when she gets caught and goes through her honeymoon period to manipulate us back to sleep (so she thinks), I don’t believe her. And my fear level for a phone call from the police or a positive pregnancy test is off the charts. And by the way, she says that this is our problem, too.

I have spent all of her life knowing and working with this child with abandonment issues. And intensely so the last 2 years. We have had her (and still do) in counseling. Read, listened and watched everything that we can lay our hands on. Formed support groups and starting counseling for us. Implemented, reworked, backed up and tried again over and over again. And she will not budge.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day?

Do you have a RADish? It’s not easy, but there is hope! Oe of the resources we use is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. It can give you tons of help in dealing with your Reactive Attachment Disorder kiddo.

So what do we do? Here are a few things that have worked for me, maybe you’ll be able to bring about a change in your child’s behavior, too!

1. You have to make your “no” means “no”. This means, if you say “no” to something, stick to it. Even if you wish you hadn’t said no in the first place, you still have to stick to your original no. I find myself just automatically saying “no” sometimes, kind of a knee-jerk reaction. So I’ve lately made an effort to think before I say “no”, and try to say “yes” as much as possible. But, if you do say “no”, don’t waffle – stick to it!
2. Don’t let them turn you around. The best thing you can do when your child is arguing your rules or consequence is to say “No, I’m not going to discuss this any further” and turn around and walk away. Don’t reply if they continue to badger you – just keep walking. Kids need a reasonable amount of explanation, but when you’ve given them that you don’t owe them anything else. Besides, when they continue badgering you, they don’t want to hear your explanation, they just want to change your mind.
3. Over-stimulated? Give them a break. One thing I’ve noticed about my kids is that when they get over-stimulated, it’s almost impossible to talk to them. They won’t look me in the eye, they just continue to misbehave and escalate. What you need to do in this instance is to take them to their room and have a little seat or place for them to cool down and recover from the over-stimulation. Then, after about five minutes you go in and talk to them simply and firmly about what the boundaries and/or expectations are. And ask them if they can do it. If they can, you can let them out of the room. If not, give them a few more minutes in there.

If you’re having problems changing your child’s behavior, try these three ideas and I’m certain you’ll see some major improvement fast! Remember, you’re the boss, and you have to let them know that from the start.

I can hear you saying, “That all sounds great, but can I do it?” How can I get us there?

Don’t lose hope yet, there is help out there. And yes you can do it!

Get some great workable ideas. Click here to get going today! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I was recently looking for answers and found a couple of good articles by James Lehman on the Empowering Parents website. One of them really applied to both of my problem kiddos. It’s called Motivating Underachievers – When Your Child Says “I Don’t Care”. It gave me several great ideas – I’ll share a few that have worked for us.

One of the things he says we have to understand is that it’s impossible for teens and pre-teens not to be motivated – it just depends on what they’re motivated to do. Quite often, they’re motivated to resist us, withdraw, or under-perform. Instead of acting out, they’re acting in!

So how can you motivate teens? Mr. Lehman gives 9 “motivate tips” to get through to your unmotivated children or teenagers. Here are 4 of them that really resonated with us.

1. Look at what your child likes. The idea here is to observe what your child likes to do. Don’t take his word for it, he’ll say “nothing matters”. But look at his actions – does he watch a lot of TV, play video games, play on the computer? Observe, and write them down – later on you can use these things as incentives.
2. Make sure everything is earned each day.This is one I didn’t realize, but it makes sense. You have to hold unmotivated children accountable. Make sure everything is earned. Life for these kids has to be one day at a time. They should have to earn their TV or video games. How? By doing their homework and chores. They earn their cell phone today, and then start over tomorrow.
3. Have conversations about what your child wants. This has been very successful with my daughter. It’s not small stuff, like the phone or iPod, but bigger things like a car, driver’s license, apartment, and so forth. She has to have good enough grades to take driver’s ed, to get insurance, and to be able to get a job so she can move out on her own. This is motivating her well, and in a more long-term way.
4. Don’t shout, argue, beg or plead. If you do any of these things, it lets your child know he’s in control. With underperforming kids, you have to be very cool. Keep the shouting to a minimum!

One thing you have to realize is that being an underachiever gives your child a sense of control and power, because she doesn’t have to worry about the anxiety of failure or meeting responsibilities. She doesn’t have to deal with people’s expectations. Once people start expecting more of these kids, they fall apart.

That’s a few tips about dealing with underachiever children. To read the whole article, click here.

If you like what you read, and want to learn more, consider trying out The Total Transformation program. It’s a CD, DVD and workbook set with hundreds of ideas for managing challenging behaviors in kids. It’s done wonders for our family – believe me, if you’re willing to work at it, you will get results.