Most of my articles come from real-life experiences, and this one is no different. I had just gone 15 rounds with 3 of my kids trying to get them to school on time, and I was worn out. It seemed to me that this had been a pretty regular thing lately, and I started thinking to myself “What am I doing wrong?” My mind went down that path a little way, but not too far, since that way was looking like this might be my fault. So, I took a little detour off that path and thought “Maybe I’m expecting too much of them for the age they are”.

There we go! That was a much easier route for my mind to take, since it didn’t involve anyone being at fault, me or them! Cool! I figured I’d just get out my trusty Total Transformation workbook, find the section on age appropriate expectations, and I’d get my answer. (By the way, I refer to that workbook and the Total Transformation CD’s often – they’re starting to get worn out!)

I did find a section on age appropriate behavior, including age appropriate consequences and age appropriate rewards. (I discuss this a little further down in this article), but what really caught my eye was a section on styles of parenting, and I realized that this applied perfectly here. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation program, talked about seven different parenting roles that parents play. These roles are generally well-meaning but ineffective because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change.

The Seven Permissive Parenting Roles

These roles are Bottomless Pockets, Over-Negotiator, The Screamer, The Ticket Puncher, The Savior, The Martyr, and The Perfectionist. With titles like that, I had to read further. What I was soon to discover was that I played several of the roles, and I played them well! The one that applied in this instance was The Martyr.

The Martyr takes on the child’s responsibilities, constantly lowers expectations, and fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress. I could see myself perfectly in this role, and I didn’t really like it. The thing I like about James Lehman is that he says it like it is, most of the time it’s just good common sense, but when you’re in the middle of the battle with your child, common sense doesn’t often come in to play. Too many emotions flying around the room, it really helps to hear and see what Mr. Lehman has to say.

If you want to read more about the different parenting styles, click here.

Now, to get back to age appropriate behaviors, consequences and rewards. Here’s how Mr. Lehman sees the different age groups.

Ages 5-9 – At this age, children are interested in time with parents and other adults. They are beginning to establish some independent relationships with peers, but often need some adult support with this. Age appropriate consequences include going to bed early, losing TV or computer time, and going to their room. Rewards could be staying up late, earning stickers, and having someone do a chore for you.

Ages 10-14 – Children at this age are just beginning to struggle with a sense of themselves. In addition, they are practicing independence, while still requiring a great deal of parental supervision and support. Connections to peers are becoming primarily important in their lives. Judgment can be poor when an older teen is offered choices and activities. Consequences might be losing TV time, being grounded from activities, or losing phone time. Rewards include use of cell phone, gaining computer time, and getting to choose the food for dinner.

Ages 15-17 – At this age, adolescents must be working on independence. Priorities center around peers and young adult activities. They are trying new things and building new skills. Most of the motivators at this age, both positive and negative, center around the car – being able to drive it, or being banned from it. Others include loss or gaining of phone time, and computer or TV time.

That all sounds great, but my kid’s not there! How can I get him there?

Don’t lose hope yet, there is help out there. And yes you can do it!

Click here to get some great workable ideas. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I’m the parent of five adopted kids, and I’m here to tell you that I know a little about oppositional defiance disorder in children, or ODD for short. James Lehman, MSW, behavioral therapist and creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, says that a day with a child with oppositional defiance behavior is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

Children with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re resentful of adults, and pushy and bossy with other kids, and become easily annoyed and frustrated. They blame everyone else for their problems and their inability to cope with life. They tend to gravitate to other kids like them and are usually sulking, angry teenagers.

It’s impossible to satisfy kids with ODD, because their thinking is irrational. They want your attention, but when they get it they’ll tell you to leave them alone. Bottom line is that kids with ODD aren’t very likable, which make parents feel guilty because even though they love the child, they pretty much don’t want to be around them. Plus, they’re hesitant about being in social situations since the ODD child is quite often embarrassing or out-of-control.

I’ve experienced all of these feelings with more than one of my kids, and I tell you, it’s not fun.

What Causes Oppositional Defiance Disorder in Children?

ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. In a nutshell, they don’t know how to solve a problem, so they try to gain control by bullying, screaming, negotiating, or bargaining. According to Mr. Lehman, there is no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way for kids to cope with their problems.

What can you do to stop the war and restore peace at home?

Mr. Lehman says that one thing to definitely not do is to give the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking – he’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style to deal with a kid with oppositional defiance behavior. Here are 4 tips that he suggests. You can find many more in his wonderful program The Total Transformation. I just can’t describe how much good it’s done for our family.

1. Children with ODD need structure with aggressive training that is built around how to solve the problems that trigger their defiant behavior. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. For example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”
2. The focus of treatment needs to be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. A pat on the back for something they should already know how to do doesn’t cut it.
3. Avoid power struggles. Pick your battles carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win a fight by not arguing back. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect the child to comply.
4. Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re in the car, know what you’ll do if he acts out there. Similarly, if you’re at the mall or at a friend’s place, have a plan for how to handle the situation – for instance, one warning then leaving. Make sure the child learns that defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

For many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they’re dealing with low-level defiance that isn’t aggressive, but is still annoying and disruptive to the family. Left untreated, however, it can turn into full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and even worse to Conduct Disorder, a more serious problem that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.

If you’re on the way to ODD, or right in the middle of it, I would highly suggest you check out more great strategies from The Total Transformation –

It’s done wonders for our house and click here to see if it can do the same for yours!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.