Do you sometimes feel like you should win the Worst Parent of the Year Award? Do you think that you’re just the worst parents ever, the worst parents in the world, even the worst parents in the history of the world? Well, hopefully it’s not that bad, but all of us feel at times that we’re just not cutting it as parents, especially when we compare our kids to other people’s kids.

Don’t compare your inside to other peoples outside

Here’s a simple trick I learned to help me not feel like I’m the worst parent of the year – to not compare what I know about myself or my family to what I see about other people or their families. Let me give you an example.

I’m a mobile loan-closer, and I get to go to many different houses and meet many different people. One time, I went to this nice, clean, warm-feeling house. It wasn’t especially fancy, but it had a good feeling about it, as I did about the people living there. During the process of the signing, I learned that they were preparing for a wedding shower that afternoon, and there was much joy in the air!

I found myself thinking “These guys have it all together. A kid getting married, a nice clean house with stain-free furniture, good steady jobs – everything anyone could want”. I started to feel sorry for myself, maybe a little guilty, possible even angry.

Well, I started to have a conversation with these lovely folks about life in general, and found out that their life was nothing like it seemed on the outside. They had many problems with their kids, and financial struggles to boot. I walked away thinking “I don’t have it so bad”.

What a beautiful house!

Another time I did a closing for a couple on top of a hill, with a nice view. As I was leaving, I noticed another house that was situated in such a way that out of one window the view was of a beautiful lake and from the other side of the house you looked out over the city, with all its lights. I immediately became jealous of the owner of this house, thinking how fortunate other people are – major pity party! Well, wouldn’t you know it, I got an order a month or two later to do a closing at that very house. I thought “Cool! I can hardly wait to see the views from inside, and see what kind of neat furnishings and architecture is in there.”

The day came for me to go there, and I walked up to the door in trepidation. The owner opened the door, and I was shocked to see he was in a wheelchair! Come to find out, this fine gentleman had Multiple Sclerosis, and didn’t have much longer to live. Talk about God giving me a lesson in appreciating what I had!

These things happen all the time

I recently received a message in Facebook from the wife of one of the elders at our church, who said how much she enjoys sitting behind our family in church. This was comical to me, as I’m constantly at a stress level of 10 – you know, head about to explode – thinking about how horribly my kids behave. They talk during prayer, they won’t stand up during worship, they periodically punch each other for no reason whatsoever, as far as I can tell. I just think they’re the most out-of-control, wild, strong-willed kids I’ve ever seen. You see, I’m comparing their inside to other kids’ outside. There are some kids that I’ve noticed standing very reverently in church, only to see them later on in Sunday School bullying or making fun of an underdog. It’s then that I realize – my kids might be wild, but they’re kind. I’ll take that any day of the week!

I encourage you, when you think you’re the worst parent of the year, try not to compare your inside to everyone else’s outside. It’s a no-win situation.

 As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

I’ve recently learned a trick on how to prevent stress. It’s simple and it works! Being a parent of a teenager is inherently stressful – I think the words teenager and stress are actually synonyms – and any way you can figure out how to prevent stress while dealing with them is a huge help.

One of the best ways I know on how to prevent stress is to get centered. What does that mean? It means different things for different people. Everyone has different ways to get centered, and as soon as you can figure out what your way or ways are, you can start implementing this stress reducing technique.

Why do we have stress?

The main reason we have stress, in my opinion, is that our lives, or portions of our lives, are out-of-control. Finances, health, kids, time – these are all areas that can easily get overwhelming and quickly can get out-of-control. This is a complex, fast-paced, stress-filled world we live in, and there’s really no way around that unless you live by yourself on a desert island. I know I don’t have that luxury.

So how to we reduce our stress?

In my opinion, you can’t reduce the stress. But you can learn to handle it. One way to do this is to get centered.

What does it mean to get centered?

Getting centered means figuring out something that you can do that will give you a sense of control in your life, even if it’s in a tiny way. It might not even be anything that needs controlling, but it has to be something you can control. So even if you can’t control any or all of the big things, if you can control something small, it can do wonders for your overall stress level.

How do you get centered?

Figure out something that’s relaxing or soothing for you, and that gives you a sense of accomplishment when you get done. I have a couple of things I do to get centered – the main one is to mow the lawn. Now I know, most guys my age can hardly wait for their kids to get old enough to hand that job over to them, but as far as I’m concerned, they’ll never learn how to do it! Believe me, they’re not too bummed – they don’t get centered the same way I do. Anyway, I just love the feeling and the satisfaction of seeing that freshly mowed and edged lawn, with hardly a blade of grass out of place. It gets me centered.

Another technique of mine is making the bed. It’s my wife this time that doesn’t mind this quirk of mine. I love the look of a smooth, tightly made bed with the sheets and blankets tucked in perfectly. Ahhhh!

Julie’s method of how to prevent stress? To clean the sliding glass door. When she’s feeling out-of-control, she almost runs for the Windex and paper towels, and gets that baby so clean you could eat off of it. It’s her way of getting centered.

Separate those paper clips!

I heard about a CEO of a major corporation that get’s centered by separating small paper clips from large ones. When his assistant told him they could have someone else to that, he almost ripped the container of mixed-up paper clips out of his hand! Nope, that was his job, thank-you very much!

So there you go. Is your life out-of-control? Well, figure out what gets you centered, and you’re well on your way to figuring out how to prevent stress.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it for free. All you have to do is order it, then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Oh how sweet those little faces looked as babies. They lit up when we entered the room, they smiled when we made funny faces, and they laughed, a deep belly laugh, when we played. Our hearts were full, theirs were not.

Adoption has many great benefits. Children are placed in homes where they are safe and cared for and deeply loved. And couples that can’t have kids or who want another to complete their family can. And emotionally too there are many holes in their hearts that are filled by adoption. All but one.

Where is the hole?

A child is made to be loved by his biological dad and mom. Any change in that can cause holes in his heart. I used to think that our love as adopted parents could fill that hole. And what I have found is that it can but not completely. There seems to be a continuous search for my adopted kiddos to know they are loved. It manifests itself in different ways for each kid, but there is no denying that the rejection they experienced physically, now affects them emotionally.

They wonder why was I not good enough to be kept and am I unlovable. Then there are the questions of where do I fit, who do I look like, do they miss me like I miss them sometimes. No matter how much we try, we cannot answer those questions. No amount of logic fills the void. It is set sadly.

Don’t misread me here. This doesn’t seem to consume them. The majority of their heart is whole. There are just moments when this mom’s heart aches for their heart as I get a glimpse of their hole.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free. Just order and complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

When I first heard about the concept of the inner child I have to admit I was pretty skeptical. I mean, having a bunch of little kids living inside of you. Really? I don’t know…

Well, now I do know for sure that this is exactly the case. As strange as it sounds, these little kids can come out at different times and take over control of your body. And if you don’t do something about it, your behavior can be very destructive to yourself and to the people around you, including your kids. If it’s allowed to continue, you can cause long-term damage that you’re kids will have to deal with as they grow up.

In fact, that’s the main reason that adults have these spontaneous age regressions – because their parents had the same inner child issues. And it goes on and on, from generation to generation.

I decided it was going to be different for me.

The start of the journey occurred when I realized that certain situations or comments by my wife would send me into an altered state of consciousness. It was like I wasn’t even myself any more. I’d get angry and lash out and say things that were extremely immature. Or I’d pout or sulk. Basically, act like a kid. Not only that, but I couldn’t function as an adult at all. It was like I forgot how to work. My head was numb. I couldn’t think!

I was led to a book called Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. As I started to read, I couldn’t believe it! This guy had gone through the exact same things that I had.

Bradshaw explained that when I was raging and punishing my family with withdrawal, I was regressing to my childhood, where I had swallowed my anger and expressed it the only way a child could – in punishing withdrawal. Then, after I was done with my emotional or physical withdrawal bout, I felt like the lonesome and shame-based little boy that I had been.

He then goes on to say that when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of anger and hurt, the child grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behavior.

John goes on to say that he believes that this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery, and until we reclaim and champion that child, he will continue to act out an contaminate our adult lives.

I totally agree. Since going through the process of reclaiming my own inner child, I have recognized this in many, many people. I also believe that we not only contaminate our own lives, but pretty much anyone else we come in contact with.

What does it mean to reclaim and champion that inner child?

The process involves recording some scripts that are outlined in the book and then listening to them with your eyes closed, like you’re meditating. What you do is go back in your mind to when you were an infant, and get that child and take him with you. You then promise to love and care for that child (as the adult you) and give them the things they didn’t get when they were that age.

You then repeat the process for all the different age levels: toddler, preschool, school age, and adolescent. Eventually, you have reclaimed all of your inner children, and you champion them by caring for them, loving them, and making them feel safe.

Are you crazy?

I know that’s how it may sound, but I believe it’s totally true. I have come a long way since I started this journey, and I still have a ways to go. Things still happen that trigger me to go into my child, but I’m starting to be able to recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way, as opposed to the toxic way I used to.

Good news and bad news

The bad news is, those triggers will come up for the rest of my life. I will never be totally healed. The good news is that it will get better and better, and I’ve got a plan on how to deal with these issues. Plus, the difference is amazing! If you’re interested at all in healing the inner child, or feel that this might apply to you, I encourage you to get a copy of Homecoming.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. You just order and then complete and return the Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

This article may not seem like it has anything to do with parenting, but if you’ll bear with me I think it will make sense. It’s written by my husband.

My name is Matt Hellstrom. As a Christian, I believe that God loves me and wants the best for me. I’ve also experienced much pain and disappointment in my life. I’ve had many prayers go unanswered, at least that’s what I assumed when they weren’t answered like I thought they should be. This led to an interesting dilemma: if God loves me and wants the best for me, why did he allow things to happen that were clearly sinful and harmful to me? In other words, why do bad things happen to good people? Another way to put it is why does God allow suffering and pain? These are probably the biggest questions of believers (and non-believers) alike. That would be my guess anyway.

About a year ago we were looking for a book or something to study with a couple of friends and we stumbled upon Shattered Dreams – God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy by Larry Crabb. I’d read books by Larry Crabb before and knew he was a very good author, though most of the books I’d read by him were very deep and hard to digest. We decided to give it a try, and it’s had a huge impact.

God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy

The sub-title alone was slightly ominous: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy. What did he mean by “Shattered Dreams” and just what was this pathway? We were soon to find out.

Dr. Crabb uses the Book of Ruth as a basis for his book. He focuses on Naomi, the mother -in-law of Ruth who experiences the pain of losing a husband, then both sons. She goes on to deal with that pain in a way that is not normal, at least to most Christians – she gets mad! As Christians, we’re taught two things: First, that mourning has a time limit. At some point, we insist on victory. Second, there is a proper way to mourn.

Ugly battles should remain out of sight. Acceptable battles may be shared, but only if we season our account with hope. It’s ok to say “My wife and I sometimes quarrel, but we know the Spirit is working to bring us closer together. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to hear “My wife and I hate each other’s guts right now. We want a good marriage, but we have no idea what to do and we’re scared out of our wits we’ll never figure it out”. That type of talk isn’t accepted in the church.

Well guess what? It’s ok to mourn, to feel pain, and to face it. There aren’t any time limits for mourning, and it ok to be angry about it. It’s ok! Why? Because that’s where you meet God, and experience his love – in the midst of the pain. God’s desire is to have a relationship with him, and he’s willing to use, or at least allow, anything, including pain, to build that relationship.

This is Larry Crabb’s premise with Shattered Dreams, and I tell you, reading it is a wonderful and worthwhile journey. But I also warn you, it will turn your world upside down, and make you look at things in a totally different way.

So how does this relate to parenting?

Going through Shattered Dreams allowed me to realize its ok to face my pain. It also got me started on the path of discovery concerning past hurts and sins committed by me and to me. And led me to the realization that I had some deeper problems that I could now address. I learned about the concept of having an “inner child”, and I determined that my inner child was damaged and needed to be reclaimed and healed. And this in turn led me to the conclusion that some of my learned coping behaviors because of this damage were in turn harming my own children. When I came to the conclusion that the pain of staying put was worse than the pain of changing, I subsequently embarked on another long and wonderful journey which I’ll call Reclaiming Little Matt.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.