What is The Total Transformation?

The Total Transformation is a program designed to give parents skills to parent difficult, defiant, or out-of-control children. It works with children that behavioral problems, kids with ADD, ADHD, ODD, Autism, and bipolar disorder. The philosophy behind Total Transformation is that children don’t know how to problem solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways, so they don’t have to face their problems. Our job as parents is to give them the skills to problem solve, and that’s what the Total Transformation does.

Who’s behind The Total Transformation?

The creator of the Total Transformation is James Lehman, a therapist with a Masters Degree in Social Work. For three decades James Lehman has worked with troubled teens, younger children with behavior problems, families and professionals who live with, educate, treat and assist in managing them. In public schools, residential treatment centers, private schools, and numerous outpatient and inpatient settings, James has developed an approach to managing children and adolescents which challenges them to learn to solve social problems without hiding behind a facade of disrespectful, obnoxious, or abusive behavior.

Next post – How much does it cost, and what do you get?

Most of my articles come from real-life experiences, and this one is no different. I had just gone 15 rounds with 3 of my kids trying to get them to school on time, and I was worn out. It seemed to me that this had been a pretty regular thing lately, and I started thinking to myself “What am I doing wrong?” My mind went down that path a little way, but not too far, since that way was looking like this might be my fault. So, I took a little detour off that path and thought “Maybe I’m expecting too much of them for the age they are”.

There we go! That was a much easier route for my mind to take, since it didn’t involve anyone being at fault, me or them! Cool! I figured I’d just get out my trusty Total Transformation workbook, find the section on age appropriate expectations, and I’d get my answer. (By the way, I refer to that workbook and the Total Transformation CD’s often – they’re starting to get worn out!)

I did find a section on age appropriate behavior, including age appropriate consequences and age appropriate rewards. (I discuss this a little further down in this article), but what really caught my eye was a section on styles of parenting, and I realized that this applied perfectly here. James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation program, talked about seven different parenting roles that parents play. These roles are generally well-meaning but ineffective because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change.

The Seven Permissive Parenting Roles

These roles are Bottomless Pockets, Over-Negotiator, The Screamer, The Ticket Puncher, The Savior, The Martyr, and The Perfectionist. With titles like that, I had to read further. What I was soon to discover was that I played several of the roles, and I played them well! The one that applied in this instance was The Martyr.

The Martyr takes on the child’s responsibilities, constantly lowers expectations, and fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress. I could see myself perfectly in this role, and I didn’t really like it. The thing I like about James Lehman is that he says it like it is, most of the time it’s just good common sense, but when you’re in the middle of the battle with your child, common sense doesn’t often come in to play. Too many emotions flying around the room, it really helps to hear and see what Mr. Lehman has to say.

If you want to read more about the different parenting styles, click here.

Now, to get back to age appropriate behaviors, consequences and rewards. Here’s how Mr. Lehman sees the different age groups.

Ages 5-9 – At this age, children are interested in time with parents and other adults. They are beginning to establish some independent relationships with peers, but often need some adult support with this. Age appropriate consequences include going to bed early, losing TV or computer time, and going to their room. Rewards could be staying up late, earning stickers, and having someone do a chore for you.

Ages 10-14 – Children at this age are just beginning to struggle with a sense of themselves. In addition, they are practicing independence, while still requiring a great deal of parental supervision and support. Connections to peers are becoming primarily important in their lives. Judgment can be poor when an older teen is offered choices and activities. Consequences might be losing TV time, being grounded from activities, or losing phone time. Rewards include use of cell phone, gaining computer time, and getting to choose the food for dinner.

Ages 15-17 – At this age, adolescents must be working on independence. Priorities center around peers and young adult activities. They are trying new things and building new skills. Most of the motivators at this age, both positive and negative, center around the car – being able to drive it, or being banned from it. Others include loss or gaining of phone time, and computer or TV time.

That all sounds great, but my kid’s not there! How can I get him there?

Don’t lose hope yet, there is help out there. And yes you can do it!

Click here to get some great workable ideas. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

We’ve been married for 20 years now, and we’re the first to admit it hasn’t always been easy. We started out our life together heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, and both of us had unsuccessful marriages (and the ensuing divorces) under our belts. We weren’t especially well equipped because of our pasts to be good spouses. We eloped to Reno and got married without telling anyone in our family until a month after, which didn’t go over well at all! We were starting a marriage with 2 strikes against us, and it showed because we almost split up before we were married for a year.

Fortunately, those days are far behind us, and we’ve both been clean and sober for nearly 20 years, and have managed to become a happily married couple – most of the time, that is. We still have our problems, but we work through them with the help of tools and techniques we’ve been taught by various counselors throughout the years. And we continue to go to counseling on an as-needed basis, whenever we feel we need a little “tune-up”. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that you need help figuring things out.

Counseling is not for everybody

While I totally recommend counseling for anyone that’s having marital problems, I also understand that’s just not the route that some people want to go, for a variety of reasons, such as:

• They don’t want to expose their lives and/or problems to a stranger.
• They can’t afford it.
• They don’t have the time.

The Us Factor

Because of this fact, I was excited to learn that the creators of The Total Transformation had developed a marriage program called The Us Factor. I thought, “this might be the answer for couples that were struggling” so I got a copy of it and we started to go through it together.

What we found was some very good training by a counselor named Dr. Joseph Melnick, a licensed psychologist. I heard many of the things I’d learned from my counselors, and a few new ideas to boot! And I’m only through the first 3 DVD’s. If you’d like, you can read my Us Factor Review at our marriage website, How To Fix Your Marriage.

If you’re in the category of needing a little (or a lot) of help with your marriage, and you just don’t want to go to counseling, maybe The Us Factor is for you. Like Total Transformation, it doesn’t cost anything to try it out for a month, so it might be worth your while!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Do you sometimes feel like you should win the Worst Parent of the Year Award? Do you think that you’re just the worst parents ever, the worst parents in the world, even the worst parents in the history of the world? Well, hopefully it’s not that bad, but all of us feel at times that we’re just not cutting it as parents, especially when we compare our kids to other people’s kids.

Don’t compare your inside to other peoples outside

Here’s a simple trick I learned to help me not feel like I’m the worst parent of the year – to not compare what I know about myself or my family to what I see about other people or their families. Let me give you an example.

I’m a mobile loan-closer, and I get to go to many different houses and meet many different people. One time, I went to this nice, clean, warm-feeling house. It wasn’t especially fancy, but it had a good feeling about it, as I did about the people living there. During the process of the signing, I learned that they were preparing for a wedding shower that afternoon, and there was much joy in the air!

I found myself thinking “These guys have it all together. A kid getting married, a nice clean house with stain-free furniture, good steady jobs – everything anyone could want”. I started to feel sorry for myself, maybe a little guilty, possible even angry.

Well, I started to have a conversation with these lovely folks about life in general, and found out that their life was nothing like it seemed on the outside. They had many problems with their kids, and financial struggles to boot. I walked away thinking “I don’t have it so bad”.

What a beautiful house!

Another time I did a closing for a couple on top of a hill, with a nice view. As I was leaving, I noticed another house that was situated in such a way that out of one window the view was of a beautiful lake and from the other side of the house you looked out over the city, with all its lights. I immediately became jealous of the owner of this house, thinking how fortunate other people are – major pity party! Well, wouldn’t you know it, I got an order a month or two later to do a closing at that very house. I thought “Cool! I can hardly wait to see the views from inside, and see what kind of neat furnishings and architecture is in there.”

The day came for me to go there, and I walked up to the door in trepidation. The owner opened the door, and I was shocked to see he was in a wheelchair! Come to find out, this fine gentleman had Multiple Sclerosis, and didn’t have much longer to live. Talk about God giving me a lesson in appreciating what I had!

These things happen all the time

I recently received a message in Facebook from the wife of one of the elders at our church, who said how much she enjoys sitting behind our family in church. This was comical to me, as I’m constantly at a stress level of 10 – you know, head about to explode – thinking about how horribly my kids behave. They talk during prayer, they won’t stand up during worship, they periodically punch each other for no reason whatsoever, as far as I can tell. I just think they’re the most out-of-control, wild, strong-willed kids I’ve ever seen. You see, I’m comparing their inside to other kids’ outside. There are some kids that I’ve noticed standing very reverently in church, only to see them later on in Sunday School bullying or making fun of an underdog. It’s then that I realize – my kids might be wild, but they’re kind. I’ll take that any day of the week!

I encourage you, when you think you’re the worst parent of the year, try not to compare your inside to everyone else’s outside. It’s a no-win situation.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

I’m the parent of five adopted kids, and I’m here to tell you that I know a little about oppositional defiance disorder in children, or ODD for short. James Lehman, MSW, behavioral therapist and creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, says that a day with a child with oppositional defiance behavior is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

Children with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re resentful of adults, and pushy and bossy with other kids, and become easily annoyed and frustrated. They blame everyone else for their problems and their inability to cope with life. They tend to gravitate to other kids like them and are usually sulking, angry teenagers.

It’s impossible to satisfy kids with ODD, because their thinking is irrational. They want your attention, but when they get it they’ll tell you to leave them alone. Bottom line is that kids with ODD aren’t very likable, which make parents feel guilty because even though they love the child, they pretty much don’t want to be around them. Plus, they’re hesitant about being in social situations since the ODD child is quite often embarrassing or out-of-control.

I’ve experienced all of these feelings with more than one of my kids, and I tell you, it’s not fun.

What Causes Oppositional Defiance Disorder in Children?

ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. In a nutshell, they don’t know how to solve a problem, so they try to gain control by bullying, screaming, negotiating, or bargaining. According to Mr. Lehman, there is no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way for kids to cope with their problems.

What can you do to stop the war and restore peace at home?

Mr. Lehman says that one thing to definitely not do is to give the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking – he’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style to deal with a kid with oppositional defiance behavior. Here are 4 tips that he suggests. You can find many more in his wonderful program The Total Transformation. I just can’t describe how much good it’s done for our family.

1. Children with ODD need structure with aggressive training that is built around how to solve the problems that trigger their defiant behavior. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. For example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”
2. The focus of treatment needs to be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. A pat on the back for something they should already know how to do doesn’t cut it.
3. Avoid power struggles. Pick your battles carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win a fight by not arguing back. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect the child to comply.
4. Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re in the car, know what you’ll do if he acts out there. Similarly, if you’re at the mall or at a friend’s place, have a plan for how to handle the situation – for instance, one warning then leaving. Make sure the child learns that defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

For many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they’re dealing with low-level defiance that isn’t aggressive, but is still annoying and disruptive to the family. Left untreated, however, it can turn into full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and even worse to Conduct Disorder, a more serious problem that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.

If you’re on the way to ODD, or right in the middle of it, I would highly suggest you check out more great strategies from The Total Transformation –

It’s done wonders for our house and click here to see if it can do the same for yours!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.