Oh how sweet those little faces looked as babies. They lit up when we entered the room, they smiled when we made funny faces, and they laughed, a deep belly laugh, when we played. Our hearts were full, theirs were not.

Adoption has many great benefits. Children are placed in homes where they are safe and cared for and deeply loved. And couples that can’t have kids or who want another to complete their family can. And emotionally too there are many holes in their hearts that are filled by adoption. All but one.

Where is the hole?

A child is made to be loved by his biological dad and mom. Any change in that can cause holes in his heart. I used to think that our love as adopted parents could fill that hole. And what I have found is that it can but not completely. There seems to be a continuous search for my adopted kiddos to know they are loved. It manifests itself in different ways for each kid, but there is no denying that the rejection they experienced physically, now affects them emotionally.

They wonder why was I not good enough to be kept and am I unlovable. Then there are the questions of where do I fit, who do I look like, do they miss me like I miss them sometimes. No matter how much we try, we cannot answer those questions. No amount of logic fills the void. It is set sadly.

Don’t misread me here. This doesn’t seem to consume them. The majority of their heart is whole. There are just moments when this mom’s heart aches for their heart as I get a glimpse of their hole.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

When I last posted, we were asking some questions (re: house rules, etc) that we felt we needed answered right away. Wrong! Those answers will come, but not before we get a whole lot of other questions out of the way.

Our new daily schedule

Life does not stop when you have a crisis situation in your home. Meals need to be planned and made, shopping needs to be done, house needs to be kept up, other kids need to be paid attention to. Many nights I have gone to bed exhausted, but unable to sleep. I wake up early and face the dawn telling myself “God has given me everything I need to face this day”. And He has and I do, usually.

Other Questions?

School was looming. And teenager activities were beckoning. We did need to decide how much leeway to give her based on the little we knew. I kept getting clues though. She tries to act like a teenager, but I see, several times a day, her real self – for lack of better words. She reminded me of my 10 year olds. Based on how we got to this hard place, bad teenage choices, we decided that she might not have the mental capability to make choices of more than a 10 year old. We opted to go from that standpoint. We only give her the freedom we would give a 10 year old. She has settled right down and seems to feel safe most of the time. No struggles whatsoever against the rules that apply for that age. Thank goodness.

So what about School?

We did not feel home schooling was a good option (due to some logistics in our neighborhood and activities she was already involved in at school). We cannot afford private schooling, but rode the fence almost up to the week before school before we decided. Then a good friend of mine told us she had just gotten a job transfer to my daughter’s school and we felt based on this and other relationships already established there with adults, she would be cared for. We sent her back. That too seems to be going well.

One Other thing…

We knew that staying busy would help her right now, not overwhelming but doing what she loves. Her self esteem is very low and she is depressed. So we set her back up in horseback riding (for free from a great family who has a heart for kiddos like her) and continued on with Taekwondo. She seems more content. We have also started some counseling with the local mental health clinic. And are continuing on the road to determine what (other than the obvious) may be causing these delays.

Plus, with school, I get a break now during the day and am sleeping better without the continuous stress for 15 hours a day. My husband notices my face seems more relaxed. I hope my attitude is too.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

We are now in week 3 of life with a teenager in crisis. We are in the middle of trying to figure out if there is more going on her than bad teenager choices. You see with adopted kids (who come out of the foster system) there is sadly damage. I first believed as we started taking care of these kiddos that love and prayer can make everything all better!

And Now?

Now I believe love and prayer are the only way we can get through this life, but don’t necessarily make it better. So we are trying to piece together a very spotty adoption file to see what may have happened prenatally. We know a few things post-birth since that is what put her into the foster system. And those things in and of themselves are manifesting their ugly symptoms. And there seems to be more.

Where to Start Looking for Answers

In the last week, we have gone to a great Christian crisis center where my best friend is director. The medical staff is helping us sort through the above questions (they actually pointed us in that direction in the first place) and one of their counselors has taken my daughter under her wing. The question I am trying to get answered is…

Do the Answers Change the Method of Parenting?

We have house rules. We make them tangible rules that are verifiable with consequences that apply. But what if she doesn’t have the mental ability to get these rules? Does this mean our daughter is in danger and we just say “you can’t do that”? Or do we continue on the same path? Questions we want answered so we can parent this child into a responsible and successful young adult.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

Sitting facing the teacher for the umpteenth time, I was growing weary of her long litany. “Jack doesn’t sit in his seat. Jack doesn’t stay on task. Jack disrupts the other kids with his constant noise making. Jack doesn’t turn in completed work.”

This was hard to hear about my sweet 10 year old who loves to take things apart, wants to know what you are doing and why, and has a great imagination and is not afraid to use it. Why did I get the feeling that my square peg was expected to fit into a round hole? No exceptions.

My Exception

But he was an exception. We knew from the day we adopted him that there were going to be learning challenges. He was exposed to drugs and alcohol all his prenatal life. Though we got him right after he was born, much of the damage was already done.

We watched him grow and go to kindergarten. He was doing okay and we monitored sugar intake, red dyes and white flour. Reading was not coming along. But he was only in kindergarten. And a boy, which means development takes longer, right?

So we limped along until 2nd grade, when the reading and spelling issue was starting to glare. Along with some behavioral issues, like impulsiveness, low self control, and not quite fitting in. So we took the leap and had him tested for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD (girls have Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD).

The Test Results Were In

Both us and his teacher had to complete a checklist on behavior and academics. Hard to fit a kid into a checklist. But the results were borderline ADHD.

Options

The options were presented: 1st medication; 2nd stricter food regulation; 3rd creative behavior management. We opted for 2 and 3.

First, we had to learn what made him less focused. Noises in the classroom were a biggie. And in this day and age, classrooms are not the sit quietly type that I had. So how can we best manage that? We opted for an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) so we could utilize out of room resources to help with tutoring, more individual attention, and less distractions due to the small classroom size in our Resource Room. Not perfect, but improvement was noted.

Next, we employed a new technique that we had heard through a naturopath by using caffeinated beverages in place of medication. This was less successful and the option was mostly diet soda. Not our first choice for a drink.

3rd grade saw some improvement in reading, but 4th grade, he crashed and burned. Thus our conversation with the teacher.

What Had Happened?

How did things go bad so quickly? The school’s Resource Room teacher enlightened me. Learning is global up until the end of 2nd grade, she explained. The teacher directs the kids through most of the exercise. Cues are easily picked up from what the other kids are doing. And teachers are more tolerant with this.

As they move through the elementary grades, they are taught to be more independent and only instructions are given from the teacher. Cues are less evident and teachers’ expectations for working independently are higher. He’d lost his crutch.

Now What?

I was baffled. Until the teacher said the one thing that forever changed my dogmatic stance against medication. “The constant hearing of his name in a negative fashion has got to be affecting his self esteem.” We had started to hear him say things like I am loser, I can’t do anything right, I am a horrible reader. I knew that we were at a turning point for him. We couldn’t not try everything to give this little guy success in his life.

Medication etal

So we dove in to the medical field. Because Jack had an IEP in place at school and behavior was part of it, we did not need to do any further assessments. We started him on the lowest dose of Concerta and upped it every 2 days until we saw his world come into focus for him. Though the doctor originally said to continue increasing the dosage until he started of having headaches and stomach aches, then go back a dose, we felt we had found his level without the side effects.

Don’t get me wrong, insomnia and loss of appetite are an occasional occurrence. And this isn’t a perfect fix. But the relief for him being able to complete something from start to finish is noticeable. Or read and comprehend more is exciting.

What else can we do?

But we didn’t stop there. His tapping his pencil and making noises are his mechanism for getting himself focused. We educated his teachers, including the Resource Room teacher, that he wasn’t doing this to be annoying. It was a coping mechanism. This can even be a cue that maybe a quieter environment for a test or project would best suit him.

We are also in the process of pursuing training for the school in how not to point out these kids (i.e. classroom meetings) and their weaknesses but to find a work around that will help them to be successful. Click here to read an article with some practical tips from Dr. Robert Myers, a clinical psychologist with 25 years of experience working with children and adolescents with ADHD and learning disabilities.

It’s not easy being a parent…

But nothing is! And what can be more rewarding then helping your child to succeed, through whatever means are necessary.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.

I am hoping this article will prove cathartic as I have just had 2 bad days with my 14-year old sweet girl. She is making awful life changing choices and remorse is not even listed in her dictionary. We have been batting these problems down for the last 3 months but no longer will that suffice. And I am swinging in the dark.

Where’s the Light Switch?

I had already laid some of the groundwork by working through Total Transformation by James Lehman. However, I felt I needed more specific information regarding information on how to deal with where her train derailed. A month ago, I was given Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. I started consuming this night before last. I am getting lessons on choices and consequences that I realize I have not been very good at as a parent. And I have decided to stop fighting the control battle with her.

Teens will Almost Always Win the Control Battle

The battle started having a name! Control and independence. I got some great info on control. And I will get back to you on how it went addressing her independence needs in a way that helps her to grow towards that where she is taking care of herself and I am not so scared.

Control Rules

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic hits this nail squarely on the head. “Never take more control than you need. Or do I need any? Will advice and options teach a valuable lesson instead?”

The ground rules are basic:

1. Avoid control battles at all cost.
2. If you are forced to have a control battle – on those rare occasions when it CAN’T be avoided – then win at all costs.
3. Pick the issue carefully and deliberately without threatening to do so. Just do it.

This will make teens think about their decisions. Our goal for raising a responsible young adult.

My heart is ragged. My hope a bit dirty. But my love for her causes me to continue reaching for her and moving forward.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.