How many times growing up did you hear your parents say “you either shape up or we are shipping you out!” meaning to military school? There is just something about the structure and rules of military schools that sings to the heart of a parent of an out of control kid.

While this seems like an easy out, there are a few options prior to making this choice that beg to be considered. Starting with, what is going on with your kid basically? Has the dynamics of his life changed, foundation shifted, like a divorce, change of schools, remarriage? What is the time span of this behavior? If it has been short-lived, keep the lines of communication open and listen when he talks. If it is longer, and talking is resulting in shouting and slamming, or, worse hitting, the next step is possibly implementing a parenting program.

Sometimes this is called a child behavior program, but I like parenting program because it feels more proactive. I am working with my child to become a successful, fulfilled adult and I must have the skills needed in order to do this. There are several different programs on the market. One I use is Parenting with Love and Logic which provides  good information and is geared more toward raising up children who are learning to become independent and may get off track occasionally. I personally favor Total Transformation program as I have had the most success with it. And it also addresses issues with kids who are most difficult to deal with in easy to follow step by step information. When the stress level is high, it is nice to just have a handbook to refer to.

At this time, adding in a therapist or child counselor would be highly beneficial. Doing this in conjunction with a parenting program is ideal as you have the added support on an ongoing basis. Sometimes, it may help to place the kiddo in a therapeutic environment until you get your new parenting skills up and running. You will have opportunities in the therapy center to practice as most will offer family counseling.

Last resort, in my opinion, is military school. Some kids will thrive on this structure, but as it addresses the behavior and not the thinking behind the behavior, it may only be a bandaid. If you decide to go this route, have a plan in place when your child gets home. Make structure and accountability priorities in your house, so your child doesn’t slide back into his or her old habits.  Also, I was surprised to learn that many schools won’t accept openly defiant, out-of-control teens. And if they get booted out, you lose your tuition money.

So there are the options. It is up to you to decide – is military school the answer for you and your child?

For many more tips on parenting decisions including the military school option, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

When Love Is Not Enough - Purchase From Amazon.com

I want to view each day as an adventure with my RAD kiddo. I don’t want to wake up depressed anymore dreading the day ahead. I want the challenge of helping this child become successful in coping with life in a healthy manner be what motivates me. So why can’t I? Oh, there is another person in this equation.

And right now this one does not want to participate. She so boldly stated to her daddy and I that it is her life and she will do what she wants. Never mind the consequences, she will take them! While this is okay for a 10-year old (usually!), when you are a middle teen (with an emotional age of 10) the stakes get immeasurably higher for this attitude.

Living her life her way, right now looks like lying about everything. She does it so frequently that I believe that it is more natural than telling the truth. Why do I say this? Because she even now is lying to her friends about things that no one even cares about. “I will only have a small piece of meat because I really don’t eat meat”. Yes she does and who cares?! Certainly not the friend who was not only unimpressed but that statement didn’t even register on their “care to know meter”.

Of course, what goes with the lying but sneaking. Wanting control of her life, there is nothing she won’t sneak to do. And most of the time, if she asked (or I’d be happy with even telling us at first), we’d be okay with it. However, telling us makes us in charge of her life.

So the trust in our relationship with her is gone. So much so that I can’t believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Even when she gets caught and goes through her honeymoon period to manipulate us back to sleep (so she thinks), I don’t believe her. And my fear level for a phone call from the police or a positive pregnancy test is off the charts. And by the way, she says that this is our problem, too.

I have spent all of her life knowing and working with this child with abandonment issues. And intensely so the last 2 years. We have had her (and still do) in counseling. Read, listened and watched everything that we can lay our hands on. Formed support groups and starting counseling for us. Implemented, reworked, backed up and tried again over and over again. And she will not budge.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day?

Do you have a RADish? It’s not easy, but there is hope! Oe of the resources we use is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. It can give you tons of help in dealing with your Reactive Attachment Disorder kiddo.

An interesting thing happened on the way to opera last night (just kidding about the opera) - my daughter decided to be defiant. Straight up, in our face “I am going to break your rules”. And when we confronted her, all h-e-double toothpicks broke loose! It was straight out of James Lehman’s Total Transformation chapter on the Turn Around.

She first, sadly in her anger about being called out, put her arm through a wall. Then she did everything in her power to put this on us. “You don’t trust me” seemed to be the most common refrain. When we reiterated that the issue wasn’t trust, it was breaking a rule, she did a bait and switch.

“I hate living here” came flying out next quickly followed up with “I am leaving”. And off she went to her friend’s house, swearing and huffing down the street. We made it clear that if she did not return by 11pm she would be breaking curfew and restated the consequences for that.

After an evening of back and forth from said friend’s house, insisting we write the rules down “right down to what shoes and earrings I can wear”, demanding an apology from us, threatening to not return if we did not immediately change the rule, and a long phone call by us to the friends mom to reassure her we did not kick our daughter out, she finally got it that we weren’t going to budge.

With constant reassurance (she called us at 11pm to give it one more shot) that everyone makes mistakes and glad she is making them at home where we can work through them, that we love her the same as we did always, and home was the best place for her, she broke and had her daddy come get her.

How’d we do it you ask? It took a lot of remembering what we learned, she is a teen who is self-centered in trying to become independent; not to react out of anger at her rude behavior; stay focused on the issue at hand – breaking the rule. The last one helped us mostly stay calm and not head down the defensive rabbit trails she was laying at our feet.

And today business as usual and trust me she tried to see if we are going to be sad and sorry by pushing us a bit. But once she saw that all was status quo, our normally sweet girl returned. Oh yeah, she gets to learn a new skill too, drywalling!

Looking for help with your defiant teenager? Take a look at The Total Transformation by James Lehman today. It works for us!

Teenagers are masters at arguing. That fact wouldn’t be so hard to handle if I didn’t find myself getting sucked into it. Before I know it, I am miles down “Argument Lane” and frustration doesn’t even being to describe my insides!

So one day, after several of these go rounds with my 15-yr old, I decided something has to give. I remember hearing an interesting tidbit on Total Transformation CD #7 how to stop this from continuing. It had to start with me having a conversation with said 15-yr old outside “Argument Lane”. I stated that the next time he started in,  I was going to listen to his side once only. After that, if he didn’t like what he heard, it was up to him to have a strategy to walk away (I helped him figure out a few ideas like walking away, going to his room and listening to tunes, shooting hoops).

And while he was doing that, to think positive thoughts instead of the negative “this isn’t fair” or better yet “my mom is such a jerk” ones that perpetuate his arguing.  Also helping him (since he was a novice at this positive way), I suggested he weigh the consequences (which we discussed during this time too) and decide if the arguing was worth it and even use this phrase as part of his positive thinking. Or “what is my part in this?”

The results have been good. I have had to prompt him when he starts down the “Lane” and he has responded well.  I like it here on “Communication Lane” much better and I think he may even agree!

For many more tips and techniques on parenting teenagers, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!