One thing I find very interesting as a parent is how kids deal with things that they feel are unfair. I found that when they don’t believe the situation is fair, all rules go out the window. The fairness becomes the focus not the unacceptable behavior.

Let me give you an example. I have firm rules about the time and the length of time the kids can play video games.  Sometimes the length of time gets bumped due to the time they must be finished. My 11-year old cannot abide this hierarchy.  “But Mom, Sean got to play for an hour.  Why do I have to get off at 5? I only started at 4:30.” This conversation is, of course, happening  about 5:15 too! So now the focus is redirected from playing past the stop time to getting his full hour. And if I let him, away we would go down this rabbit trail with me trying to defend why the stop time has first preference over the length of time, again!

And guess what isn’t getting addressed? That’s right…the stop time infraction. It takes concerted effort on my part to recognize “the unfair” distraction and stay focused. Don’t misunderstand me here, I explained the hierarchy when I established these rules so this is not a surprise to him.

Ok so what do I do? I listen for the fair word to come up so I am not sideswiped and find myself down the road. I continue to stay focused on the infraction at hand.  Just as a great side note, I have noticed that when I do this right, my child feels safe. My guess it is because I am in control and as I’ve said before, every kid wants to know who is in charge here and am I loved.

James Lehman talks about this “fairness” issue in the Total Transformation Program, saying that “Injustice” is one of the characteristics and practice of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior. Some of the others that he talks about are One-Way Boundaries, Casing, False Apologies, and Pride in Negativity. In all, he describes 16 characteristics that parents of this type of child should be aware of.

You need to find out more about Total Transformation today if you’ve got these kind of problems with your child.

Teenagers are masters at arguing. That fact wouldn’t be so hard to handle if I didn’t find myself getting sucked into it. Before I know it, I am miles down “Argument Lane” and frustration doesn’t even being to describe my insides!

So one day, after several of these go rounds with my 15-yr old, I decided something has to give. I remember hearing an interesting tidbit on Total Transformation CD #7 how to stop this from continuing. It had to start with me having a conversation with said 15-yr old outside “Argument Lane”. I stated that the next time he started in,  I was going to listen to his side once only. After that, if he didn’t like what he heard, it was up to him to have a strategy to walk away (I helped him figure out a few ideas like walking away, going to his room and listening to tunes, shooting hoops).

And while he was doing that, to think positive thoughts instead of the negative “this isn’t fair” or better yet “my mom is such a jerk” ones that perpetuate his arguing.  Also helping him (since he was a novice at this positive way), I suggested he weigh the consequences (which we discussed during this time too) and decide if the arguing was worth it and even use this phrase as part of his positive thinking. Or “what is my part in this?”

The results have been good. I have had to prompt him when he starts down the “Lane” and he has responded well.  I like it here on “Communication Lane” much better and I think he may even agree!

For many more tips and techniques on parenting teenagers, check out The Total Transformation. It’s one of the best child behavior programs I’ve ever seen – it worked for our family, I’m sure it can work for yours!

When I first heard about the concept of the inner child I have to admit I was pretty skeptical. I mean, having a bunch of little kids living inside of you. Really? I don’t know…

Well, now I do know for sure that this is exactly the case. As strange as it sounds, these little kids can come out at different times and take over control of your body. And if you don’t do something about it, your behavior can be very destructive to yourself and to the people around you, including your kids. If it’s allowed to continue, you can cause long-term damage that you’re kids will have to deal with as they grow up.

In fact, that’s the main reason that adults have these spontaneous age regressions – because their parents had the same inner child issues. And it goes on and on, from generation to generation.

I decided it was going to be different for me.

The start of the journey occurred when I realized that certain situations or comments by my wife would send me into an altered state of consciousness. It was like I wasn’t even myself any more. I’d get angry and lash out and say things that were extremely immature. Or I’d pout or sulk. Basically, act like a kid. Not only that, but I couldn’t function as an adult at all. It was like I forgot how to work. My head was numb. I couldn’t think!

I was led to a book called Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. As I started to read, I couldn’t believe it! This guy had gone through the exact same things that I had.

Bradshaw explained that when I was raging and punishing my family with withdrawal, I was regressing to my childhood, where I had swallowed my anger and expressed it the only way a child could – in punishing withdrawal. Then, after I was done with my emotional or physical withdrawal bout, I felt like the lonesome and shame-based little boy that I had been.

He then goes on to say that when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of anger and hurt, the child grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behavior.

John goes on to say that he believes that this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery, and until we reclaim and champion that child, he will continue to act out an contaminate our adult lives.

I totally agree. Since going through the process of reclaiming my own inner child, I have recognized this in many, many people. I also believe that we not only contaminate our own lives, but pretty much anyone else we come in contact with.

What does it mean to reclaim and champion that inner child?

The process involves recording some scripts that are outlined in the book and then listening to them with your eyes closed, like you’re meditating. What you do is go back in your mind to when you were an infant, and get that child and take him with you. You then promise to love and care for that child (as the adult you) and give them the things they didn’t get when they were that age.

You then repeat the process for all the different age levels: toddler, preschool, school age, and adolescent. Eventually, you have reclaimed all of your inner children, and you champion them by caring for them, loving them, and making them feel safe.

Are you crazy?

I know that’s how it may sound, but I believe it’s totally true. I have come a long way since I started this journey, and I still have a ways to go. Things still happen that trigger me to go into my child, but I’m starting to be able to recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way, as opposed to the toxic way I used to.

Good news and bad news

The bad news is, those triggers will come up for the rest of my life. I will never be totally healed. The good news is that it will get better and better, and I’ve got a plan on how to deal with these issues. Plus, the difference is amazing! If you’re interested at all in healing the inner child, or feel that this might apply to you, I encourage you to get a copy of Homecoming.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. You just order and then complete and return the Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Sitting facing the teacher for the umpteenth time, I was growing weary of her long litany. “Jack doesn’t sit in his seat. Jack doesn’t stay on task. Jack disrupts the other kids with his constant noise making. Jack doesn’t turn in completed work.”

This was hard to hear about my sweet 10 year old who loves to take things apart, wants to know what you are doing and why, and has a great imagination and is not afraid to use it. Why did I get the feeling that my square peg was expected to fit into a round hole? No exceptions.

My Exception

But he was an exception. We knew from the day we adopted him that there were going to be learning challenges. He was exposed to drugs and alcohol all his prenatal life. Though we got him right after he was born, much of the damage was already done.

We watched him grow and go to kindergarten. He was doing okay and we monitored sugar intake, red dyes and white flour. Reading was not coming along. But he was only in kindergarten. And a boy, which means development takes longer, right?

So we limped along until 2nd grade, when the reading and spelling issue was starting to glare. Along with some behavioral issues, like impulsiveness, low self control, and not quite fitting in. So we took the leap and had him tested for Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, or ADHD (girls have Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD).

The Test Results Were In

Both us and his teacher had to complete a checklist on behavior and academics. Hard to fit a kid into a checklist. But the results were borderline ADHD.

Options

The options were presented: 1st medication; 2nd stricter food regulation; 3rd creative behavior management. We opted for 2 and 3.

First, we had to learn what made him less focused. Noises in the classroom were a biggie. And in this day and age, classrooms are not the sit quietly type that I had. So how can we best manage that? We opted for an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) so we could utilize out of room resources to help with tutoring, more individual attention, and less distractions due to the small classroom size in our Resource Room. Not perfect, but improvement was noted.

Next, we employed a new technique that we had heard through a naturopath by using caffeinated beverages in place of medication. This was less successful and the option was mostly diet soda. Not our first choice for a drink.

3rd grade saw some improvement in reading, but 4th grade, he crashed and burned. Thus our conversation with the teacher.

What Had Happened?

How did things go bad so quickly? The school’s Resource Room teacher enlightened me. Learning is global up until the end of 2nd grade, she explained. The teacher directs the kids through most of the exercise. Cues are easily picked up from what the other kids are doing. And teachers are more tolerant with this.

As they move through the elementary grades, they are taught to be more independent and only instructions are given from the teacher. Cues are less evident and teachers’ expectations for working independently are higher. He’d lost his crutch.

Now What?

I was baffled. Until the teacher said the one thing that forever changed my dogmatic stance against medication. “The constant hearing of his name in a negative fashion has got to be affecting his self esteem.” We had started to hear him say things like I am loser, I can’t do anything right, I am a horrible reader. I knew that we were at a turning point for him. We couldn’t not try everything to give this little guy success in his life.

Medication etal

So we dove in to the medical field. Because Jack had an IEP in place at school and behavior was part of it, we did not need to do any further assessments. We started him on the lowest dose of Concerta and upped it every 2 days until we saw his world come into focus for him. Though the doctor originally said to continue increasing the dosage until he started of having headaches and stomach aches, then go back a dose, we felt we had found his level without the side effects.

Don’t get me wrong, insomnia and loss of appetite are an occasional occurrence. And this isn’t a perfect fix. But the relief for him being able to complete something from start to finish is noticeable. Or read and comprehend more is exciting.

What else can we do?

But we didn’t stop there. His tapping his pencil and making noises are his mechanism for getting himself focused. We educated his teachers, including the Resource Room teacher, that he wasn’t doing this to be annoying. It was a coping mechanism. This can even be a cue that maybe a quieter environment for a test or project would best suit him.

We are also in the process of pursuing training for the school in how not to point out these kids (i.e. classroom meetings) and their weaknesses but to find a work around that will help them to be successful. Click here to read an article with some practical tips from Dr. Robert Myers, a clinical psychologist with 25 years of experience working with children and adolescents with ADHD and learning disabilities.

It’s not easy being a parent…

But nothing is! And what can be more rewarding then helping your child to succeed, through whatever means are necessary.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

I am hoping this article will prove cathartic as I have just had 2 bad days with my 14-year old sweet girl. She is making awful life changing choices and remorse is not even listed in her dictionary. We have been batting these problems down for the last 3 months but no longer will that suffice. And I am swinging in the dark.

Where’s the Light Switch?

I had already laid some of the groundwork by working through Total Transformation by James Lehman. However, I felt I needed more specific information regarding information on how to deal with where her train derailed. A month ago, I was given Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. I started consuming this night before last. I am getting lessons on choices and consequences that I realize I have not been very good at as a parent. And I have decided to stop fighting the control battle with her.

Teens will Almost Always Win the Control Battle

The battle started having a name! Control and independence. I got some great info on control. And I will get back to you on how it went addressing her independence needs in a way that helps her to grow towards that where she is taking care of herself and I am not so scared.

Control Rules

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic hits this nail squarely on the head. “Never take more control than you need. Or do I need any? Will advice and options teach a valuable lesson instead?”

The ground rules are basic:

1. Avoid control battles at all cost.
2. If you are forced to have a control battle – on those rare occasions when it CAN’T be avoided – then win at all costs.
3. Pick the issue carefully and deliberately without threatening to do so. Just do it.

This will make teens think about their decisions. Our goal for raising a responsible young adult.

My heart is ragged. My hope a bit dirty. But my love for her causes me to continue reaching for her and moving forward.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. Just order and then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.