One thing I find very interesting as a parent is how kids deal with things that they feel are unfair. I found that when they don’t believe the situation is fair, all rules go out the window. The fairness becomes the focus not the unacceptable behavior.

Let me give you an example. I have firm rules about the time and the length of time the kids can play video games.  Sometimes the length of time gets bumped due to the time they must be finished. My 11-year old cannot abide this hierarchy.  “But Mom, Sean got to play for an hour.  Why do I have to get off at 5? I only started at 4:30.” This conversation is, of course, happening  about 5:15 too! So now the focus is redirected from playing past the stop time to getting his full hour. And if I let him, away we would go down this rabbit trail with me trying to defend why the stop time has first preference over the length of time, again!

And guess what isn’t getting addressed? That’s right…the stop time infraction. It takes concerted effort on my part to recognize “the unfair” distraction and stay focused. Don’t misunderstand me here, I explained the hierarchy when I established these rules so this is not a surprise to him.

Ok so what do I do? I listen for the fair word to come up so I am not sideswiped and find myself down the road. I continue to stay focused on the infraction at hand.  Just as a great side note, I have noticed that when I do this right, my child feels safe. My guess it is because I am in control and as I’ve said before, every kid wants to know who is in charge here and am I loved.

James Lehman talks about this “fairness” issue in the Total Transformation Program, saying that “Injustice” is one of the characteristics and practice of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior. Some of the others that he talks about are One-Way Boundaries, Casing, False Apologies, and Pride in Negativity. In all, he describes 16 characteristics that parents of this type of child should be aware of. You need to find out more about Total Transformation today if you’ve got these kind of problems with your child.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Teenagers are masters at arguing. That fact wouldn’t be so hard to handle if I didn’t find myself getting sucked into it. Before I know it, I am miles down “Argument Lane” and frustration doesn’t even being to describe my insides!

So one day, after several of these go rounds with my 15-yr old, I decided something has to give. I remember hearing an interesting tidbit on Total Transformation CD #7 how to stop this from continuing. It had to start with me having a conversation with said 15-yr old outside “Argument Lane”. I stated that the next time he started in,  I was going to listen to his side once only. After that, if he didn’t like what he heard, it was up to him to have a strategy to walk away (I helped him figure out a few ideas like walking away, going to his room and listening to tunes, shooting hoops).

And while he was doing that, to think positive thoughts instead of the negative “this isn’t fair” or better yet “my mom is such a jerk” ones that perpetuate his arguing.  Also helping him (since he was a novice at this positive way), I suggested he weigh the consequences (which we discussed during this time too) and decide if the arguing was worth it and even use this phrase as part of his positive thinking. Or “what is my part in this?”

The results have been good. I have had to prompt him when he starts down the “Lane” and he has responded well.  I like it here on “Communication Lane” much better and I think he may even agree!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

I wrote in an earlier post that I’d been having major trouble around our house concerning 3 of our kids and the inability (or unwillingness is more like it) to be ready to leave for school on time. I started thinking about the problem, and wondered if this was my fault (Heaven forbid!) or theirs. Well, the conclusion I came to was “a little of both”. Let me explain.

I started looking through my Total Transformation workbook for some answers, and I happened upon a section called “Ineffective Parenting Roles”. Uh oh, this doesn’t sound good. Better take a look, though.

James Lehman describes seven different parenting roles, that he terms “well-meaning but ineffective”, because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change. In looking through these roles, I could see myself playing 6 of the 7 at one time or another. Ouch! For being able to play that many roles, I ought to get an academy award!

The role I play in this instance is the Martyr. Here’s a short description.

The Martyr:

• Takes on the child’s responsibilities, for example, wakes their child up repeatedly.
• Constantly lowers expectations, giving unconditional acceptance.
• Fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress.

And here’s what the child learns:

• Learned helplessness is effective. The less ability the child demonstrates, the less is asked of him.
• Unconditional approval can be demanded – you don’t have to earn approval, you simply demand it and threaten to misbehave if you don’t get it.
• His parent has no confidence in him. The child learns that he is not competent to achieve tasks, earn approval, or manage his own behavior.

Lovely, huh? And I thought I was doing them a favor!

The other six permissive parenting styles

See if you can relate to any of these. I’m just going to give you a brief explanation of each – James Lehman describes them in much greater detail in the Total Transformation (and tells you what to do to fix them!)

1. Bottomless Pockets – Buys the child things to stop the child’s constant demands or to “prevent” behavior problems. Child learns a false sense of entitlement.
2. Over-Negotiator – Negotiates already established rules, commitments, and standards. Child learns that boundaries aren’t solid.
3. Screamer – Gets drawn into screaming matches and name-calling. Child learns that no one is in control.
4. Ticket Puncher – Over indulges the child emotionally. The parent takes any and all opportunities to shower their child with “love and attention”. The child learns there is no objective right or wrong.
5. The Savior – Sides with the child in spite of the facts. Child learns that he can be insulated from authority.
6. The Perfectionist – Sets impossibly high standards. Child learns to expect failure.

There you go – do you see yourself in any of those? I hope you don’t, but I know I’ve been guilty of most of them at one time or another. If you do feel like you need some help, or just want to learn more about these ineffective permissive parenting styles, get your hands on a copy of the The Total Transformation and check it out for yourself.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Mr. Lehman’s assertion is that kids don’t know how to problem-solve, and that’s why they act out in inappropriate ways. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve developed to force someone else to solve the problem at hand for them. What he does with The Total Transformation Program is help us parents give our kiddos the tools they need to solve their problems. The tools that promote responsibility taking and accountability.

Here are three of these techniques that can give you a firm idea of how simplistic and realistic these tools are in turning things around and quickly.

1. Make direct statements. Tell them what you want , firmly and clearly, then walk away. Don’t be afraid of appearing powerless. You’ve made your child accountable for his actions, and to him that’s powerful.
2. Disconnect. Stop communication with the child if they’re being abusive or disrespectful. Make it a power vacuum, and you’ll be amazed how fast things change. This is one that we’ve started using and I can’t believe how good it works. Communication should not resume until the child takes responsibility for their behavior.
3. Make the consequences task-oriented and time-limited. Use, as often as possible, consequences that are directly connected to the problem behavior, e.g. “you cannot use the phone until you finish your homework tonight”. Remember your child cannot be punished into acceptable behavior. They should be short term, not a prison term.

Lastly, don’t hold your breath!  Their problem-solving skills will develop. However, change and gratitude don’t come overnight. Later on, blame will be replaced with thanks, but it might be a while in coming.

A few good reminders – Don’t let what the child says or does in response to your actions change your way of handling the problems. Consistency is a huge benefit in parenting.  And don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up. Remember this is also retraining a lot of our parenting behaviors too. One thing is for sure, you will get another chance to practice these techniques!

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. All you have to do is order it, then complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey. 

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

When I first heard about the concept of the inner child I have to admit I was pretty skeptical. I mean, having a bunch of little kids living inside of you. Really? I don’t know…

Well, now I do know for sure that this is exactly the case. As strange as it sounds, these little kids can come out at different times and take over control of your body. And if you don’t do something about it, your behavior can be very destructive to yourself and to the people around you, including your kids. If it’s allowed to continue, you can cause long-term damage that you’re kids will have to deal with as they grow up.

In fact, that’s the main reason that adults have these spontaneous age regressions – because their parents had the same inner child issues. And it goes on and on, from generation to generation.

I decided it was going to be different for me.

The start of the journey occurred when I realized that certain situations or comments by my wife would send me into an altered state of consciousness. It was like I wasn’t even myself any more. I’d get angry and lash out and say things that were extremely immature. Or I’d pout or sulk. Basically, act like a kid. Not only that, but I couldn’t function as an adult at all. It was like I forgot how to work. My head was numb. I couldn’t think!

I was led to a book called Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw. As I started to read, I couldn’t believe it! This guy had gone through the exact same things that I had.

Bradshaw explained that when I was raging and punishing my family with withdrawal, I was regressing to my childhood, where I had swallowed my anger and expressed it the only way a child could – in punishing withdrawal. Then, after I was done with my emotional or physical withdrawal bout, I felt like the lonesome and shame-based little boy that I had been.

He then goes on to say that when a child’s development is arrested, when feelings are repressed, especially the feelings of anger and hurt, the child grows up to be an adult with an angry, hurt child inside of him. This child will spontaneously contaminate the person’s adult behavior.

John goes on to say that he believes that this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery, and until we reclaim and champion that child, he will continue to act out an contaminate our adult lives.

I totally agree. Since going through the process of reclaiming my own inner child, I have recognized this in many, many people. I also believe that we not only contaminate our own lives, but pretty much anyone else we come in contact with.

What does it mean to reclaim and champion that inner child?

The process involves recording some scripts that are outlined in the book and then listening to them with your eyes closed, like you’re meditating. What you do is go back in your mind to when you were an infant, and get that child and take him with you. You then promise to love and care for that child (as the adult you) and give them the things they didn’t get when they were that age.

You then repeat the process for all the different age levels: toddler, preschool, school age, and adolescent. Eventually, you have reclaimed all of your inner children, and you champion them by caring for them, loving them, and making them feel safe.

Are you crazy?

I know that’s how it may sound, but I believe it’s totally true. I have come a long way since I started this journey, and I still have a ways to go. Things still happen that trigger me to go into my child, but I’m starting to be able to recognize it and deal with it in a healthy way, as opposed to the toxic way I used to.

Good news and bad news

The bad news is, those triggers will come up for the rest of my life. I will never be totally healed. The good news is that it will get better and better, and I’ve got a plan on how to deal with these issues. Plus, the difference is amazing! If you’re interested at all in healing the inner child, or feel that this might apply to you, I encourage you to get a copy of Homecoming.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free for a limited time. You just order and then complete and return the Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.