When Love Is Not Enough - Purchase From Amazon.com

I want to view each day as an adventure with my RAD kiddo. I don’t want to wake up depressed anymore dreading the day ahead. I want the challenge of helping this child become successful in coping with life in a healthy manner be what motivates me. So why can’t I? Oh, there is another person in this equation.

And right now this one does not want to participate. She so boldly stated to her daddy and I that it is her life and she will do what she wants. Never mind the consequences, she will take them! While this is okay for a 10-year old (usually!), when you are a middle teen (with an emotional age of 10) the stakes get immeasurably higher for this attitude.

Living her life her way, right now looks like lying about everything. She does it so frequently that I believe that it is more natural than telling the truth. Why do I say this? Because she even now is lying to her friends about things that no one even cares about. “I will only have a small piece of meat because I really don’t eat meat”. Yes she does and who cares?! Certainly not the friend who was not only unimpressed but that statement didn’t even register on their “care to know meter”.

Of course, what goes with the lying but sneaking. Wanting control of her life, there is nothing she won’t sneak to do. And most of the time, if she asked (or I’d be happy with even telling us at first), we’d be okay with it. However, telling us makes us in charge of her life.

So the trust in our relationship with her is gone. So much so that I can’t believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Even when she gets caught and goes through her honeymoon period to manipulate us back to sleep (so she thinks), I don’t believe her. And my fear level for a phone call from the police or a positive pregnancy test is off the charts. And by the way, she says that this is our problem, too.

I have spent all of her life knowing and working with this child with abandonment issues. And intensely so the last 2 years. We have had her (and still do) in counseling. Read, listened and watched everything that we can lay our hands on. Formed support groups and starting counseling for us. Implemented, reworked, backed up and tried again over and over again. And she will not budge.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day?

Do you have a RADish? It’s not easy, but there is hope! Oe of the resources we use is When Love Is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas. It can give you tons of help in dealing with your Reactive Attachment Disorder kiddo.

One thing I find very interesting as a parent is how kids deal with things that they feel are unfair. I found that when they don’t believe the situation is fair, all rules go out the window. The fairness becomes the focus not the unacceptable behavior.

Let me give you an example. I have firm rules about the time and the length of time the kids can play video games.  Sometimes the length of time gets bumped due to the time they must be finished. My 11-year old cannot abide this hierarchy.  “But Mom, Sean got to play for an hour.  Why do I have to get off at 5? I only started at 4:30.” This conversation is, of course, happening  about 5:15 too! So now the focus is redirected from playing past the stop time to getting his full hour. And if I let him, away we would go down this rabbit trail with me trying to defend why the stop time has first preference over the length of time, again!

And guess what isn’t getting addressed? That’s right…the stop time infraction. It takes concerted effort on my part to recognize “the unfair” distraction and stay focused. Don’t misunderstand me here, I explained the hierarchy when I established these rules so this is not a surprise to him.

Ok so what do I do? I listen for the fair word to come up so I am not sideswiped and find myself down the road. I continue to stay focused on the infraction at hand.  Just as a great side note, I have noticed that when I do this right, my child feels safe. My guess it is because I am in control and as I’ve said before, every kid wants to know who is in charge here and am I loved.

James Lehman talks about this “fairness” issue in the Total Transformation Program, saying that “Injustice” is one of the characteristics and practice of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior. Some of the others that he talks about are One-Way Boundaries, Casing, False Apologies, and Pride in Negativity. In all, he describes 16 characteristics that parents of this type of child should be aware of.

You need to find out more about Total Transformation today if you’ve got these kind of problems with your child.

I’m the parent of five adopted kids, and I’m here to tell you that I know a little about oppositional defiance disorder in children, or ODD for short. James Lehman, MSW, behavioral therapist and creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, says that a day with a child with oppositional defiance behavior is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

Children with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re resentful of adults, and pushy and bossy with other kids, and become easily annoyed and frustrated. They blame everyone else for their problems and their inability to cope with life. They tend to gravitate to other kids like them and are usually sulking, angry teenagers.

It’s impossible to satisfy kids with ODD, because their thinking is irrational. They want your attention, but when they get it they’ll tell you to leave them alone. Bottom line is that kids with ODD aren’t very likable, which make parents feel guilty because even though they love the child, they pretty much don’t want to be around them. Plus, they’re hesitant about being in social situations since the ODD child is quite often embarrassing or out-of-control.

I’ve experienced all of these feelings with more than one of my kids, and I tell you, it’s not fun.

What Causes Oppositional Defiance Disorder in Children?

ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. In a nutshell, they don’t know how to solve a problem, so they try to gain control by bullying, screaming, negotiating, or bargaining. According to Mr. Lehman, there is no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way for kids to cope with their problems.

What can you do to stop the war and restore peace at home?

Mr. Lehman says that one thing to definitely not do is to give the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking – he’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style to deal with a kid with oppositional defiance behavior. Here are 4 tips that he suggests. You can find many more in his wonderful program The Total Transformation. I just can’t describe how much good it’s done for our family.

1. Children with ODD need structure with aggressive training that is built around how to solve the problems that trigger their defiant behavior. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. For example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”
2. The focus of treatment needs to be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. A pat on the back for something they should already know how to do doesn’t cut it.
3. Avoid power struggles. Pick your battles carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win a fight by not arguing back. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect the child to comply.
4. Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re in the car, know what you’ll do if he acts out there. Similarly, if you’re at the mall or at a friend’s place, have a plan for how to handle the situation – for instance, one warning then leaving. Make sure the child learns that defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

For many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they’re dealing with low-level defiance that isn’t aggressive, but is still annoying and disruptive to the family. Left untreated, however, it can turn into full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and even worse to Conduct Disorder, a more serious problem that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality.

If you’re on the way to ODD, or right in the middle of it, I would highly suggest you check out more great strategies from The Total Transformation –

It’s done wonders for our house and click here to see if it can do the same for yours!

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

Matt & I decided to get into a program titled “Family Strengthening” provided by Washington State University (go Cougs!). Its focus is for kids age 10-14 and their parents. Since we have 3 (and one in crisis) in that age group, any help we could get we are taking. And the free part was added incentive.

We were skeptical on whether there would be anything we could use in our unique family. And our teens were less enthusiastic than that, to say the least! However, the very first week we learned something that has changed how we view our teens’ actions. Their brains are going through the same transition as it did when they were 2 years old – so we weren’t being mean when we said “you are acting just like a 2 year old”!

Let me see if I can explain. The parts of the brain that are developing , the generative part, interacts with the emotions and quickly overwhelms the frontal lobes – which possess  thoughtful, rational and conscience driven restraints  on behavior. The twist on all this is that the frontal lobes do not fully mature until early 20s. So guess what? Parents have no other option but to be their teens’ frontal lobes for a time. Whether you or your teens like it or not.

The good news is that this (as is all parenting) IS a gradual letting go as they and their brains mature. With most kiddos, this will be a learning from their mistakes experience. For my girl, it will involve that and learning skills that will help her stay safe because that development is hopefully only delayed. We have seen some progress with these skills, like calling us when she feels in over her head and can’t see a way out. We parents, the frontal lobes, will provide one.

So on we march on in this journey. With a few more tools in our bag.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free. For a limited time, you just order it and complete and return the enclosed Feedback Survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.

When I last posted, we were asking some questions (re: house rules, etc) that we felt we needed answered right away. Wrong! Those answers will come, but not before we get a whole lot of other questions out of the way.

Our new daily schedule

Life does not stop when you have a crisis situation in your home. Meals need to be planned and made, shopping needs to be done, house needs to be kept up, other kids need to be paid attention to. Many nights I have gone to bed exhausted, but unable to sleep. I wake up early and face the dawn telling myself “God has given me everything I need to face this day”. And He has and I do, usually.

Other Questions?

School was looming. And teenager activities were beckoning. We did need to decide how much leeway to give her based on the little we knew. I kept getting clues though. She tries to act like a teenager, but I see, several times a day, her real self – for lack of better words. She reminded me of my 10 year olds. Based on how we got to this hard place, bad teenage choices, we decided that she might not have the mental capability to make choices of more than a 10 year old. We opted to go from that standpoint. We only give her the freedom we would give a 10 year old. She has settled right down and seems to feel safe most of the time. No struggles whatsoever against the rules that apply for that age. Thank goodness.

So what about School?

We did not feel home schooling was a good option (due to some logistics in our neighborhood and activities she was already involved in at school). We cannot afford private schooling, but rode the fence almost up to the week before school before we decided. Then a good friend of mine told us she had just gotten a job transfer to my daughter’s school and we felt based on this and other relationships already established there with adults, she would be cared for. We sent her back. That too seems to be going well.

One Other thing…

We knew that staying busy would help her right now, not overwhelming but doing what she loves. Her self esteem is very low and she is depressed. So we set her back up in horseback riding (for free from a great family who has a heart for kiddos like her) and continued on with Taekwondo. She seems more content. We have also started some counseling with the local mental health clinic. And are continuing on the road to determine what (other than the obvious) may be causing these delays.

Plus, with school, I get a break now during the day and am sleeping better without the continuous stress for 15 hours a day. My husband notices my face seems more relaxed. I hope my attitude is too.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to get it free. Just order and complete and return the enclosed Feedback survey.

You might be wondering if I’m making money by promoting this program, and the answer is yes! If you buy it after visiting my website, I will earn a commission.  The truth is, I tried it and liked it so much, that I decided it would be something I would feel proud to support and promote, and as a bonus, I get a commission if you buy it.