One thing I find very interesting as a parent is how kids deal with things that they feel are unfair. I found that when they don’t believe the situation is fair, all rules go out the window. The fairness becomes the focus not the unacceptable behavior.

Let me give you an example. I have firm rules about the time and the length of time the kids can play video games.  Sometimes the length of time gets bumped due to the time they must be finished. My 11-year old cannot abide this hierarchy.  “But Mom, Sean got to play for an hour.  Why do I have to get off at 5? I only started at 4:30.” This conversation is, of course, happening  about 5:15 too! So now the focus is redirected from playing past the stop time to getting his full hour. And if I let him, away we would go down this rabbit trail with me trying to defend why the stop time has first preference over the length of time, again!

And guess what isn’t getting addressed? That’s right…the stop time infraction. It takes concerted effort on my part to recognize “the unfair” distraction and stay focused. Don’t misunderstand me here, I explained the hierarchy when I established these rules so this is not a surprise to him.

Ok so what do I do? I listen for the fair word to come up so I am not sideswiped and find myself down the road. I continue to stay focused on the infraction at hand.  Just as a great side note, I have noticed that when I do this right, my child feels safe. My guess it is because I am in control and as I’ve said before, every kid wants to know who is in charge here and am I loved.

James Lehman talks about this “fairness” issue in the Total Transformation Program, saying that “Injustice” is one of the characteristics and practice of children with disrespectful, obnoxious, abusive behavior. Some of the others that he talks about are One-Way Boundaries, Casing, False Apologies, and Pride in Negativity. In all, he describes 16 characteristics that parents of this type of child should be aware of. You need to find out more about Total Transformation today if you’ve got these kind of problems with your child.

Parenting Allies – A Parenting Forum and Social Network site

We were thinking it would be cool to have a social site similar to Facebook just for parents – then we found out a way to create your own social network, so we went ahead and did it! We decided to call it Parenting Allies, because in today’s world parenting is a tough job, and we need all the friends or allies we can get!

So what is Parenting Allies?

Parenting Allies is simply a place for you to go and share with other parents. There are many areas you can participate in, or you can just go there to look around and see what others are doing. Like Facebook, you can have friends and be notified when they do something. There are many other neat areas to discover, too, for example:

Parenting Forum

There is a parenting forum that is devoted to conversation with other parents in a forum type of setting. With topics such as Teenagers, ADD and ADHD, Adoption and Foster Care, Parenting Products, and Helpful Hints there is a section for everyone.

Blogs

You can create your own that’s just visible to you, you and your friends, or everyone. Of course, you can read others there as well.

Videos, Pictures, and Music

Post your favorite videos, photos, and music for all the parents to see or listen to.

These are just a few examples of what you’ll find at Parenting Allies. Best of all – it’s free to join. Take a look today!

One of the questions that quite often gets asked when people come to this website is does Total Transformation work? They want to know people’s opinion on the program when they don’t have anything to gain or lose from reviewing it, in other words, they’re not making any money off the product.

I’ve tried to be as honest and straightforward with my review as possible, but I also thought it might be useful to give some unbiased opinions from others when they were asked “Does Total Transformation work?”

So what I did was search around the web and find as many unbiased opinions as I could as to whether Total Transformation Works or not. By unbiased, I mean that as far as I could tell, the people giving the opinion had nothing to gain from the answer, since there was no link to a sales page or anything like that. So here you go! (I’ve tried to keep them as original as possible, just adding the name of the commenter. In some instances I may have fixed some spelling or grammar, but nothing that would affect the meaning of the comment).

Crystal G says:

We just bought it ourselves, got it yesterday. I watched the first disk (Jump Start) and although it kind of played like a long commercial for something I had already bought, there was some good information in there. It gave me hope that this just may help. I think the thing that jumped out at me the most was when he said “You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to”.

Hey if this program can show me another way of dealing with things and how to deal with things in order to get a different reaction from my child than I am getting now it will have been worth 20 times what it cost… All I know is that it can’t hurt to try a different way since what I am doing now certainly isn’t working.

So, bottom line is I haven’t had it long enough to tell you if it is going ot work, but just watching the first DVD gave me hope, which I didn’t have much of before that.

Tenn Gal says:

It’s a wonderful program

You’ll learn the exact techniques to help children take responsibility for their behavior and help parents get back in control of their homes.

Fishman says:

I was reluctant about purchasing this program but decided to purchase it after reading numerous reviews. It changed me and my family. i thought my son had problems, but realized that many of our issues spawned from my parenting style. I learned my parenting style and the style my son needed. Once I adjusted my thinking we immediately began to see changes and improvements. We are not out of the water yet, but we are swimming along the shoreline. Thank you.

Wendy K says:

YES! BUY IT. I started using it this week and my child’s behavior started changing immediately. The two techniques I’m using are:

1. Don’t talk to me that way, try again.

2. What are you supposed to be doing? DO IT

(no conversation or negotiation) Just repeat DO IT

until the child does the behavior they have been instructed to do.

3. Where are you supposed to be? GO THERE. It’s amazing. Hope this helps.

Mrs Crissy says:

I have bought and tried the total transformation and would recommend it to anyone and everyone. Some people say that they have all heard these things before but have you ever had someone actually tell you what to try. I HAVEN’T!!! Yes, this is very hard to follow but it’s for your kids!! Yes, it’s expensive but it’s for your kids!! How much has anyone spent on therapy lately! I really like how it teaches that there is no bad parenting (unless abusive of course) but ineffective parenting in other words if it’s not working it’s ineffective you can also go to their website www.empoweringparents.com and find the one minute suggestions they advertise on the radio. Bottom line if you’re not willing to put the money and time into your kids then what are you gonna put it into. I am not judging anyone I completely understand. If I had not met my husband when I did I would not have been able to afford this program but I could and I can say it works!!!!

Michael says:

Like many, we have a wonderful child that is defiant, manipulative and subject to tantrums. We checked into therapy in the DC area, and the going rate for a GOOD therapist, that doesn’t even accept insurance, was $135 hour. Good luck on finding a seasoned therapist thru an HMO in any reasonable time or if at all. Therapy sessions would be 50 minutes, and 15 of that would be spent in chit chat about how things are going, so the REAL cost is closer to $250 per hour. Yikes!

At about $300 +/-, Total Transformation is a Godsend. As they state, you will (alright, “can”) see results almost immediately. The author’s basic approach is that one MUST make the child accept responsibility for his actions and that the parents MUST not allow the child to abuse them. He of course goes into much more depth and provides copious examples, and ways to achieve this. Author has a good sense of humor and is easy to listen to.

Yes, that seems SO simple and like “duh!” But, if it WERE that simple, you wouldn’t be reading this review…. We started to implement the concepts right away in that the program is easy to grasp and get started. And YES, we DID notice results right away and things are improving each and every day.

Of course, some will say this didn’t work for them. Like any self help concept, the effectiveness is based on the person using it. And like anything else, if you are expecting miracles, you may be disappointed; but if you are realistic, this program is of great value. Certainly much cheaper than weekly therapy sessions.

AND, if you purchase the program from the publisher (either new or reburished, meaning is was returned), you have (30) days to return it for a full refund. Given this, how can one possibly lose giving this a try?! Get hold of your life and your childs, just DO it.

Denise Says:

I have the Total Transformation System (bought for me by my well-meaning parents) and while I think it is probably a good system, I have to admit that it was hard for me to get through the audio CDs….they actually put me to sleep! I hope to get through the entire program some day…..

Good luck!

John K says:

As a parenting alone father of 2 teenagers – this program really helped me get things under control – I used to have troubled teens – Now I have teens that understand what is expected of them and that I am the PARENT first and their friend next – this program works – If you are looking for it – then I am sure it is going to work better than whatever you are currently doing – take back control of your home – no more screaming or yelling…

There you go! Just a little more information on your quest for whether or not to buy The Total Transformation.

I wrote in an earlier post that I’d been having major trouble around our house concerning 3 of our kids and the inability (or unwillingness is more like it) to be ready to leave for school on time. I started thinking about the problem, and wondered if this was my fault (Heaven forbid!) or theirs. Well, the conclusion I came to was “a little of both”. Let me explain.

I started looking through my Total Transformation workbook for some answers, and I happened upon a section called “Ineffective Parenting Roles”. Uh oh, this doesn’t sound good. Better take a look, though.

James Lehman describes seven different parenting roles, that he terms “well-meaning but ineffective”, because they fail to promote responsibility, accountability, or change. In looking through these roles, I could see myself playing 6 of the 7 at one time or another. Ouch! For being able to play that many roles, I ought to get an academy award!

The role I play in this instance is the Martyr. Here’s a short description.

The Martyr:

• Takes on the child’s responsibilities, for example, wakes their child up repeatedly.
• Constantly lowers expectations, giving unconditional acceptance.
• Fears that the child will experience unhappiness or distress.

And here’s what the child learns:

• Learned helplessness is effective. The less ability the child demonstrates, the less is asked of him.
• Unconditional approval can be demanded – you don’t have to earn approval, you simply demand it and threaten to misbehave if you don’t get it.
• His parent has no confidence in him. The child learns that he is not competent to achieve tasks, earn approval, or manage his own behavior.

Lovely, huh? And I thought I was doing them a favor!

The other six permissive parenting styles

See if you can relate to any of these. I’m just going to give you a brief explanation of each – James Lehman describes them in much greater detail in the Total Transformation (and tells you what to do to fix them!)

1. Bottomless Pockets – Buys the child things to stop the child’s constant demands or to “prevent” behavior problems. Child learns a false sense of entitlement.
2. Over-Negotiator – Negotiates already established rules, commitments, and standards. Child learns that boundaries aren’t solid.
3. Screamer – Gets drawn into screaming matches and name-calling. Child learns that no one is in control.
4. Ticket Puncher – Over indulges the child emotionally. The parent takes any and all opportunities to shower their child with “love and attention”. The child learns there is no objective right or wrong.
5. The Savior – Sides with the child in spite of the facts. Child learns that he can be insulated from authority.
6. The Perfectionist – Sets impossibly high standards. Child learns to expect failure.

There you go – do you see yourself in any of those? I hope you don’t, but I know I’ve been guilty of most of them at one time or another. If you do feel like you need some help, or just want to learn more about these ineffective permissive parenting styles, get your hands on a copy of the The Total Transformation and check it out for yourself.

I’m the parent of five adopted kids, and I’m here to tell you that I know a little about oppositional defiance disorder in children, or ODD for short. James Lehman, MSW, behavioral therapist and creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, says that a day with a child with oppositional defiance behavior is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesn’t end until they fight with you over bedtime.

What is Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

Children with ODD lose their temper quickly and often. They’re resentful of adults, and pushy and bossy with other kids, and become easily annoyed and frustrated. They blame everyone else for their problems and their inability to cope with life. They tend to gravitate to other kids like them and are usually sulking, angry teenagers.

It’s impossible to satisfy kids with ODD, because their thinking is irrational. They want your attention, but when they get it they’ll tell you to leave them alone. Bottom line is that kids with ODD aren’t very likable, which make parents feel guilty because even though they love the child, they pretty much don’t want to be around them. Plus, they’re hesitant about being in social situations since the ODD child is quite often embarrassing or out-of-control.

I’ve experienced all of these feelings with more than one of my kids, and I tell you, it’s not fun.

What Causes Oppositional Defiance Disorder in Children?

ODD is not a self-esteem issue; it’s a problem solving issue. In a nutshell, they don’t know how to solve a problem, so they try to gain control by bullying, screaming, negotiating, or bargaining. According to Mr. Lehman, there is no evidence that self-esteem leads to compliance, and emotions are not, in and of themselves, a way for kids to cope with their problems.

What can you do to stop the war and restore peace at home?

Mr. Lehman says that one thing to definitely not do is to give the child a time out. A child with ODD won’t use the time out to change his thinking – he’ll use it to plot revenge. Parents need to change their parenting style to deal with a kid with oppositional defiance behavior. Here are 4 tips that he suggests. You can find many more in his wonderful program The Total Transformation. I just can’t describe how much good it’s done for our family.

1. Children with ODD need structure with aggressive training that is built around how to solve the problems that trigger their defiant behavior. You need to show the child that he has a problem that has to be solved and address it as such. For example: “Lying in bed after your alarm goes off won’t solve your problem. It makes you late and you miss the bus. What can you do to solve your problem?”
2. The focus of treatment needs to be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. A pat on the back for something they should already know how to do doesn’t cut it.
3. Avoid power struggles. Pick your battles carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win a fight by not arguing back. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect the child to comply.
4. Have a plan for managing your child’s behavior. When you’re in the car, know what you’ll do if he acts out there. Similarly, if you’re at the mall or at a friend’s place, have a plan for how to handle the situation – for instance, one warning then leaving. Make sure the child learns that defiance doesn’t get him what he wants.

For many parents, ODD is not the primary issue. Rather, they’re dealing with low-level defiance that isn’t aggressive, but is still annoying and disruptive to the family. Left untreated, however, it can turn into full-blown Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and even worse to Conduct Disorder, a more serious problem that is a precursor for anti-social behavior and criminality. If you’re on the way to ODD, or right in the middle of it, I would highly suggest checking out The Total Transformation – it’s done wonders for our house and I’m sure it can for yours, too.

As you browse around this site, we hope you’ll find some effective parenting skills that will work for your family. As far as our family goes, we believe  The Total Transformation Program is the one tool that’s had the biggest impact on our household, but you need to find out for yourself. Click here to try it free for 30 days, and if you decide to keep it only then will you  have to pay for it.